November Myth

When I contemplated what I would write about this month's word: Myth, I was baffled for quite some time.  So as we creep halfway through December I now feel ready to sort it out somewhat and lay it down for posterity.

Rather than using the "traditional story" definition of myth I am thinking of the "widely held but false belief or idea" version of the word.  And specifically I'm referring to the myth(s) we tell ourselves about ourselves.  We form stories from birth as our understanding increases.  Other people can break or contribute to the myths we create for ourselves.  These myths can often limit our capacity to change.  And I've held many that broke this year.

One such myth was that I lacked drive to pursue a career.  This year drive burst out if me with a vengeance  and I feel like I crushed several beliefs that I had created about how much time I actually have to make art.

I will hold this year as a marker, a place that revealed many ideas I had about my core that were false.  Perhaps they just could not emerge sooner than now.  37 was when they were supposed to become a part of me.  It certainly is true that age gives one the gift of understanding more about ourselves.  Or maybe it lets our constructed myths crack enough for us to consider other possible realities for who we are.

I have teachers around me, people that love me, who have helped these cracks open up as well.  Challenging me to let go of rigid ideas of myself that are outdated or that limit my growth as a human.  I am grateful for those lessons despite the fact that they can be painful to learn.

As I reach further than I ever have towards putting the pieces of my life puzzle together the coming year feels like a chance to push harder than before.  At this point I feel that I have to potentially overreach in order to understand where the balance or sweet spot is.  And the sweet spot will probably change more often than not but we will just have to adapt to that.

A human trait if ever there was one.

Walk through

Autumn Equinox brought with it a certain blast.  It was a small inkling at first, a hesitant maybe next, and then that familiar swell of possibility overcame me.  I consulted with my partner, since all things for me affect him too.  And then I stood at an entryway waiting for just a second.  Is this it?  Am I going to do this?  Can I do this?  And then that blast pushed me over the threshold.  No more someday, there is only now.  So do it.

And so the last few days have been about laying a foundation and marking new territory.  The map I'm making has been made countless times by countless parents who pursue a personal passion while navigating the day to day life of their family.  I am not breaking new ground in theory.  But it is new ground for us.  Because just like that my focus has shifted, divided in two.  I don't know if that is a good approach but my instincts did it for me.  For now I'll ride it out and see how it goes.  I feel like this is asking a lot of the ones around me who love and need me.  But again, the journey twists and you have to follow where the universe leads.

Without a doubt this is a small step towards many years of hard work for me.  What turned into a ten year hiatus from pursuing the career I studied for is daunting.  I have so many fears.  I look back sometimes and wonder why I wasted so many years when I could have been building an art career.  But I know deep down that my current career of mothering has given me the courage to be an artist now.  I did not have the courage before.  Oh, I dabbled here and there, I tried a thing or two, but in the face of adversity I split.  Excuses made, moving on, I'll do that when ____ happens.

Being a parent has removed that internal bubble that I retreated to.  I can't find it anymore.  All I am is stripped bare of excuses.  I do it or I don't.  I make this happen, I take my chances and roll the dice.

I feel so grateful to have this chance.  To have the backing of love and support of loved ones.  Learning that life is about seasons and rolling with them.  Understanding that each time a challenge presents itself I have the chance to make a different choice and start again.   But now I begin making choices that are about my future fulfillment and not just about the little lives that I harbour.  My mothering journey is far from over, heck honestly it is never over per say.  What I've done though is walk through a doorway leading to something stemming from deep within.  I dream as big as the one I'm already living with my boys.  And having two big dreams co-existing never seemed doable until this moment.  And I'm going with it.

Staying Solitary?

My journey on this path has shifted over the 13 years I've been walking it.  From gathering information to joining an eclectic circle of women to heading out on my own.  The heading out on my own part just happened to coincide with having my children.  And so the life of a solitary practitioner has been spotty for me.  I've done ritual, worked in trance and gathered with others to celebrate, honour and feast.  I have set goals and met them, but often not met them.  This has been a matter of priority setting for me.  It has been my choice to put my family first and so my spiritual practice has taken a backseat many times.
As I emerge from babyland to a place where my children are more independent from my care things are shifting.  And although my tunnel still feels long at times there is a beacon there.  
I have heard others recently describing their religious work in a group and their spiritual practice alone.  I'm still abrasive to the word religion for many reasons but I understand the desire to make the distinction between work done in a group and alone.
As the years move on I understand more about the ebbs and flows of life.  What I am coming to realize is that the initial aspects of paganism that compelled me to call myself a pagan are changing.  I see this as a natural evolution as I become more and more in tune with my inner self.  And as these shifts occur I find that my desire to understand interests and origins grows.  I have never thought of myself as a seeker in the sense of how the word is used around the pagan community these days.  But where I may go in the future to deepen my understanding may bring me to work with other pagan groups.  By other I mean Druidry and Nordic faiths.  All of my group work has been in Wiccan based faiths, some very eclectically so.   I will take the next few years to do more reading, understand fully where I have come from and then decide where to go from there.
I think the "teacher" or "teachers" I may seek will present themselves at the moment they are meant to.  For now I feel comfort in the idea that this path will swerve around and bring me places I can't imagine for myself when the time is right and when I can make this part of my life more prominent again.  

Lessons abound

When I think of spiritual seekers who make sacrifices and climb the ladder of enlightenment my mind creates a visual:  nuns, monks, long robes, simple and unadorned they move through life in quiet contemplation.  Often a family is not in the picture, deadlines, money concerns, filling the car with gas and shopping for groceries,  those things are not in the forefront of my spiritual seeker's life.  Instead they are meditating on a mat each morning, reading ancient texts, and praying before each meal.  A daily practice is second nature.  Whether or not this person or these people actually exist is another story.  This is an image that my soul shows to me when I question my path.  It offers the opposite to what I have now as a more pious option.

You can't let go of your ego and wipe runny noses and cook dinner...
You don't have time to have a daily spiritual routine...
Your life is not part of the big world picture... 


My soul likes to send me messages of doubt.  Years ago in Soul Mates by Thomas Moore this lesson struck a cord with me.  The soul always craves the opposite of what it has.  So despite my life's mission of raising my kids and relishing in the chance to be with them all day when they are little I crave something different.  Part of my soul longs for solitude, peaceful moments to reflect and seek truths.

I think the collective mindset regarding living a spiritual life is skewed.  We look at 40 days fasting in the desert as an ideal trial.  Searching for answers in sacrifice of daily life and isolation from loved ones as a defining test of dedication to the Gods.  But what about standing in your life, the stuff of life and doing it at the same time?
What about looking in your child's eyes and trying to figure out what they need in this moment, seeing them for the bright spirit they are and giving your self for their betterment.  Therein lies an ultimate test of piety.  There have probably always been spiritual men and women who have sacrificed a family of their own for the care of the tribe.  They could not dedicate time to their own offspring when they were needed to help others in their lives.  But in many cultures the holy men also were fathers.  My above vision is a newer idea of spiritual life.  Men and women were not always expected to give up family for a life of service to their religion.

This topic is much bigger than I can tackle here in this moment.  But what occurred to me as I was trying to get Elliott to sleep the other night is that no spiritual trial could challenge me more than this work I'm doing.  My ego rears itself often as I shake my fist at the universe.  Can't the baby just sleep for 2 hours straight, must I pick up these crayons again today, who are these little men that I care for day after day?

This work is my fasting in the desert.

My quiet contemplation is done in literal seconds.  Tiny snippets when both boys are content and occupied.  The adventure that is parenting is a trial by fire, you see many of your worst traits reflected in the faces of little ones that look to you for their very survival.  I will never seek transcendence in a cave in Tibet, a hermit in self inflicted isolation, rather I look for my truth in the shining eyes of two little boys every single day and know that this moment is all I have and I'm grateful for the chance to live this way.

Girlie

Often days or weeks go by with little to no reflection of being female.  Surrounded by 2 boys, 1 man, trucks, trains, jeans, caps, bikes, sneakers, hockey, rocks, dirt, farts and well, you get it, there is not much of the girlie persuasion around here.  My parent's visit prompted us to move the upstairs rooms around.  Elliott's crib is now in with Kyan and the office has been cleared of baby use.  As I was standing in the hall on Sunday I glanced in the doorway and saw the above.  Not staged in the least the scene looked girlie to me.   And I thought wow, that is my little piece of woman space. 

Granted I have declared on several occasions to Dave that we share this space; it's his too.  If you were to glance a little further into the room you'll find a framed photo of a hockey goalie and various other items that are special to the man of the house.  I think my goal for this room is that it is an adult space, calmer, no toys or kid's stuff in here.  Our bedroom is still all about the kids as Elliott still sleeps with us for part of the night and it will never be off limits to random toys or boy energy of every kind.  But this room can be mine every now and then.  No train tracks, no dirty socks, just fabric, plants, room to sit and think.  As my time for expanding my artistic and spiritual horizons increases by the tiniest increments I see that this space will become more prominent.  It will change inevitably.  But Sunday gave me a little gift and showed me that amongst all the chaos that is raising young boys and being the only double X in the immediate vicinity the girlie is there and makes its presence known.  And I dare say these boys will be all the better for it too.

Slow

I've been such a bad blogger these last weeks.  That in and of itself makes me sad a bit but I guess sometimes you have to put things on the back burner to get other things done.  It feels like everything from the weather to my household routine are taking their time these days.  Moving, but oh, so slowly.  And since things are not linear they spiral up and down, around and around.  In truth I've written several posts in my head and just need to scan this or photograph that and then of course write them.  The ebbs and flows of this life often surprise me in sudden realizations of oh, yah, it's been days since I "...."
But regardless, I'm here.  Doing my thing.  Cooking porkchops, making Easter cookies, walking Kyan to pre-school, planting peas & a raspberry bush, and going to Co-op meetings.  Looking longingly at piles of fabric, stepping out of my comfort zone, swimming with the boys and setting a naptime for Elliott that so far is helping his sleep become more regular.

Today I got to sit in the sunshine and eat salad and drink chai with two lovely women with our boys dancing crazily around us.  And in the not so great end I've now burnt two pots of chickpeas this week.  So I'm taking this to mean that the universe does not want us to eat hummous this week.  So be it.  Sunshine is in the forecast, that is enough for now.

Limiting the limitless

A little rant of sorts has been drifting through my tired brain these last few weeks.  It was sparked by a dawning in my mind of an idea that isn't shared much in the crafty mama blogs that I read.  Searching for inspiration in blogland is not hard.  There are tons of smart and accomplished people out there doing what seems like it all.  Urban homesteading or moving to the farm, entrepreneurs, professionals, creative women making time to take classes or read and learn skills for making the everyday less consumerist and more handmade.
I am so inspired by this, often it lights a fire in this dreamer's soul and I accomplish things and have the courage to try.  And even if I don't try those specific ideas the fact that someone else is makes me glad and gives me a sense of accomplishment for the things I do make my own.
And that is what I wanted to share today.  How have I made the choices to "do" or "admire".  What criteria I have considered and why I think that limitations are really important, especially for mamas today.
Just to put some background on myself before I begin to list my limits: I'm neither a Type A personality nor a perfectionist.  I think motivation is often highly affected by these things.  Feeling compelled to "do it all" is more typical of those traits.  I have lots of laid-back, "good enough" in me.  That is both a blessing and a curse.  But knowing that about yourself can help you to set and not overreach your own limits.  Where do you fall in the spectrum in between master of all trades and master of none?
So setting the scene with me not being a master of all trades type I have chosen to work and become as proficient as possible at skills that resonate strongly with me:

Gardening.  Each year I plant.  I water, weed and tend.  I have had some success and lots of failure here.  There is little that I would pass on in terms of advice because I consider myself a novice at best.
My goal is to one day have a vegetable garden and hopefully a space that I could tend with Permaculture principals in mind.  For now I have a small front bed and my balcony.  I love flowers, herbs, fostering space for bees, birds and butterflies, and producing some food for the family.  I do not aspire to produce all or even most of our food, the level of skill, time and space that I would need for that is beyond my scope and desire.  An example of how I have set my gardening limit is by planting some edibles and flowers together, building on past success while still experimenting as well.  This year I'll plant more snap peas (which were our biggest success last year) a cucumber that does well in containers, have our first rhubarb harvest, and I hope to plant a raspberry bush in our front plot as well.  I'm going to give tomatoes a go again, despite two years of failure but I will research the variety better than I did before.
What I won't do or don't aspire to do is have chickens or bees of my own.  I support the efforts of those that do.  I think it is wonderful really.  But I don't want to care for any other beings right now.  And in the case of bees, chickens or anything other than a dog or maybe a turtle, I'm out.  I told Ky he could have a dog when he's ten.  By then he'll at least be able to care for it and the boys will be older and I'll feel more able to care for something that will have such dependence on us.

Food.  Glorious food.  Food culture, food politics, food accessibility.  Feeding us is a huge part of my life right now and will continue to be for many years to come.   Since I have committed to eating whole foods, organic and local as much as possible I feel learning to cook them to the best of my ability is important.  Not only cooking is high on my list, preserving food is also crucial to our style of nourishment.  So canning, freezing, and fermenting fall into this category.  That being said I'm sticking to learning about bread and meal prep as well as baking.  I won't be making mead, kombucha, or beer.  The main issue here being storage of large buckets, bottles and again the time involved.  Cheese and yogurt are possibilities in the future but more out of fun than providing for all or our dietary needs.  I also won't be making our soap, most cleaning products or many herbal remedies.  My reasoning here is that there are many local options for me to support others in these endeavors.  And again I don't want to store the supplies needed to make these things nor try to fit the tasks into our schedule.  Dave and I do have hobbies we share but he is not the ultimate do-it-yourself type guy.  We won't be spending our Saturday nights making soap though I applaud those that do and understand their motivations.

In the creative department I sew and embroider.  Those are my art, my future plan of personal and professional  fulfillment.  They are areas that this non-perfectionist most needs to perfect if that makes sense. Building a technical skill base to make the ideas in my head manifest into pieces for other to see.  That being said I don't knit or crochet.  I don't do pottery, professional photography, or cross-stich.  I want to be really good at sewing, quilting and working in fabric.  Bringing knitting onto the scene would divide my attention.  That doesn't mean that I'll never knit, there may be lots of time for learning it in the future but for now I'm refraining from yarn.

In the interest of keeping this long post from going into overdrive I'll list the other areas that I put my time into (or plan to in the future).  I am enjoying how these things are revealing themselves to me as time progresses.  I'm sure the list will change, expand or contract depending on circumstances and you know, life as it unfolds.

Reading :: blogs, poetry, fiction and non-fiction
Writing my blog
Yoga
Paganism/spirituality
Outdoors :: hiking, camping, travel, environmental protection
Feminism :: woman's issues, politics and democratic rights, maternal health

Thanks for sticking with me here. I'm wrapping up I promise.  What this all means is that in the limitless world before me whether on the internet or not I have to stop my dreamer self from creating a world that is impossible to sustain.  I'd love to do everything well.  Most of the things I listed above that I don't/won't do are not for lack of interest but are more about prioritizing.  The wonderful women that I read about who pursue these skills are admirable and most likely have their own lists whether they are conscious ones or not.  We all prioritize and some things inevitably don't make the list.  And that is good.  They can always be tried later or celebrated through another means.  Let's avoid burn-out, feeling like we are not stacking up to those around us or comparisons.  For those that seem to do it all I am sure that they are not.  No one does.  We are all just doing our best to fulfill our dreams and master what is really dear to our hearts.

dreamers and doers

On a recent evening Dave put on The Strombo Show from January 15th of this year.  George Stroumboulopoulos was talking with a long time friend of his, Bob Mackowycz Jr. about their career paths and how they were such doers that they needed to remind themselves to dream.  They spoke about this at length and with a rather wistful nostalgia for their driven youth in which they worked crazy hours to propel themselves towards their future goals.  They saw themselves as doers; working hard, for long hours and becoming so "good" at living the life that they had created that they needed to make time to dream or challenge if you will, their patterns and habits.  The downside of their doer lives being that they would neglect the more intuitive parts of themselves, too busy to listen to their soul's voices that may be whispering to them.

This struck a cord with me and as George commented that he needed to be more of a dreamer I quipped that I do not have that problem.  In fact for most of my life I had the opposite problem; I was too much of a dreamer and not enough of a doer.  I could say that growing up in a rural area contributed to my dreamer state.  I spent hours in my room as a teenager, listening to music, drawing and imagining scenarios for my life.  Being a dreamer added to my t.v. addiction since I was able to imagine more future possibilities just by the flick of a switch.  I could be this, I could do that, I could meet....you get the drift.  I often tried things and did lots with school and friends but I certainly didn't have a drive to pursue my dreams at all cost.  Instead I waited for some magical day when all these ideas would manifest themselves.  And if there is one thing that I've learned in my 34 years it's that things practically never fall into your lap gift-wrapped and shining.  Instead you have to go and get them, work hard, try, fail, try again.  Push, nag, stop, start again.  In short you have to do it.

Being a dreamer is not bad or good or better.  Likewise with being a doer.  They are just different and can really change the way your life progresses.  An example of this can be found in Marion Fowler's book The Embroidered Tent: Five Gentlewomen in Early Canada.  Fowler describes the difference between Catherine Parr Traill and Susanna Moodie, sisters who both immigrate to Canada from England and make a go of it in the wilderness.  Catherine being the doer learns the trades of a pioneer housewife and deals with her fears and misgivings by mastering all she can control in her surroundings.  Susanna on the other hand is a dreamer, a romantic who revels in the solitude of the wilderness but fails to become a doer in her early attempts.   She struggles with her desire to dream and the expectations placed on her by her circumstances.

That push and pull makes a dreamer struggle in such a doer world.  Dreaming big is important to our souls and has brought many of the greatest inventions and art into this world, but dreaming can also isolate and paralyze.  And if you are mostly a doer you often fail to connect to something internal and bigger than your immediate daily tasks.   Those little ideas that need time to blossom or need to be fed with beauty and time  can be stifled by to-do lists or an over-filled schedule.

How is the balance achieved?  I'm not sure.  The dreamer in me is still a huge part of who I am.  I wouldn't change that despite the things I could have achieved had I been more of a doer.  Being a mom is about constant doing but I struggle in many ways to be more of a doer.  To stop reading blogs, pinning on Pinterest, listening to podcasts and just do, be, live my life.  Be here now.  Dream big, but be here in this moment.  Make more food, make more art, read more books, play more games with the boys.... I better get to the doing.

Oh, and just because I felt it was improper to not include the quintessential dreamer in this post here is a video of my favorite Beatle singing Imagine live.
"...I'm not the only one..." 

10 years come and gone

Two days ago I turned 34.  In the first month that I moved to the west coast of Canada I turned 24.  10 years I have been here now.  This rainy, lush rain forest of mountains, beaches and whole living goodness is where my heart found its home.
Looking back on the young woman I was when I moved here: a somewhat reluctant adventurer, naive to her dependence on others, full of dreams without much of an idea of how to manifest them, that person is still inside me.  She is now combined with a 34 year old married mother of two, staring out from (hopefully) wiser eyes.  There are days when that young thing takes a hold and says: What are you doing here?  Can't we just make art, sing, go dancing somewhere....and the answer is usually no.  I'm not the kid anymore, I have kids now.  The kid in me does manifest with my children, I'm not completely without fun but there is responsibility and nurturing that comes first.  So much has changed in these last 10 years...I've grown up, become an adult.  Building a life, setting down roots and manifesting my vision of how life should be. 
Some part of my soul knew that I had to let go of every known thing and fly across the country 10 years ago to meet my destiny.  The universe pulled me here pretty much against my will.  I remember crying with fear and my mother comforting me, neither of us knowing then that I would not be moving back east.  I have learned in my 10 years here that doing the thing that your soul says to do is often not easy.  It is scary, and you second guess your decisions in your fear.  But that thing, what ever it is, pulls on you none-the-less and if you don't listen the first time it will just keep pulling at you anyway.  And so here I sit, far from my family but nestled in the family that the universe manifested for me.  Always missing them but secure that the 24 year old who followed her heart here was wise to put her fears aside and buy a one way ticket.  And the 34 year old who hugs her boys and wonders at the spark of love that created her family here thanks her and everyone else who helped her along the way. 

What's that you said?

This post has been running through my head now for several weeks.  To be honest I thought I had already written it....upon further investigation I have not.  There was a bit about it here, but today I want to talk frankly and openly about a little topic called feminism.
The movement towards social justice for 52% of the population is always an undercurrent of my writing.  I'm sure if you have read this blog for a while you have noticed it between the lines of what I'm saying, or maybe you haven't and that's what got me thinking that this post was important.  Perhaps I appear to be a blinders on stay-at-home mom, happily making dinner while her man makes the money and abandoning my personal ambitions for the betterment of my family.  Those who know me personally would never assume that, but how can I know for sure what readers (a.k.a strangers for the most part) would conclude?  For the most part I don't care about the perceptions of others but in this case I feel that for the sake of this movement that I consider myself a card carrying member of I must write this post and record for my own historical records where I stand and how I call myself what some would say are two conflicting terms.

"In my second year of University I took a Woman Studies class. I had always been one of those women who said: "I'm not a feminist, but..." I had conformed to the view of feminists that is stereotypical in North America; man hating, angry women. Taking that first Women Studies class changed who I believed myself to be. So much rang true and spoke to the deepest part of my self. And the phrase "The personal is political" made sense to me. The interconnection between all parts of self and how the outside world related back through that. I worked a Women Studies class into each following semester. And the more I read feminist theory the closer I came to the Goddess Spirituality Movement through images of Goddess art. I was pursuing a degree in Fine Art. My art began to reflect my journey. I was re-inventing myself. Stripping away years of society's conditioning to find who I really was."

I wrote that 3 years ago.  I have now been a stay-at-home mom for almost 4 years and I am learning more and more every day that "The personal is political" is so much more than a catch phrase.  I believe that the many thousands of women and men who worked to give me a choice of how to live my life deserve to be honoured and I honour them.  Today feminism is not only needed but is lacking momentum as this documentary chronicles.  My generation and the one just ahead have lapsed into a complacency that startles me.  But there is so much entangled with woman's rights and social justice.  Consumerism, racism, environmentalism, economic woes, religious extremism...it all jumbles together.   Radical Homemakers: Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture contains the closest new decoding of all these things into a cohesive thought for me.  I see my choice today as a radical departure from the mainstream idea of what being an empowered woman means.  It doesn't mean that I have to put my kids in daycare and work for a paycheck to be an equal.  Many of my close friends and family have made that choice and I respect their decisions based on what is right for their families.  Choice is key here.  Single parents don't often have the same range of choices available, in short there are as many ways to raise your family as there are families.  But for us, for me, this life of making a home, being a full time mom and in some capacity making art is what works right now.
Feminism is the means through which this life is possible.  I think of my life as a spectrum of choices.  Today I make my family and the work of maintaining my priority.  5 years from now there will be another dynamic.  Our home life will need more balance between Dave and I as I move towards charting a career.  But for now we work in roles that fall back to a time before feminism offered an alternative choice for women and men's roles.  On the surface they are the same but underneath they are very different and evolving every day.
The need for feminists, women and men who want equal rights and justice is real.  If you happen to fall into the category of persons who say things like:  "Feminism is obsolete," I beg to differ and I offer these oh, so western examples of why that is not true.

Judge rules rape victim's clothes and behavior ease the blame on her attacker

Number of women in Canadian Parliament

Wage gap between men and women

Domestic violence death statistics

For these reasons and countless others I am a feminist.  For the future generations of women and men, for my sons, for my nephew, for the earth, for the millions of people who are treated badly because of their sex, their sexuality, or their choices to live their truth.  If you agree then say so, if you want to change it then do.  Live your truth as a free thinker, an empowered person and a citizen of this earth.

    "The future depends entirely on what each of us does every day; a movement is only people moving."
                  -Gloria Steinem

the end of an era

Please indulge my little journey down former television addict lane.  Yesterday as I'm sure you know was the last Oprah show.  As everyone has kept reminding me Oprah's influence in the world is certainly not disappearing.  But the vehicle of her show which has brought countless hours of change to the world is no longer in its original format.  Weekdays at 4 p.m are altered forever.  I wouldn't call myself an ultimate viewer but the show spanned 25 years and definitely influenced the way I see the world today.  Oprah's fundamental message of finding your true self and living from that place is one that I share.  And I applaud the work she does and her charity efforts.  She has put her money where her values are.  It seems strange to me that my kids will not see her show as a part of their formative years....perhaps it is just another reminder of how time moves forward whether we are ready or not.

Belly Update: 31 weeks

Tomorrow I'll be 31 weeks along on this journey.  I would like to pretend that I'm all rainbows and lollipops but I can't say that I am.  Words to describe how I'm feeling these days: grateful, tired, apprehensive, uncomfortable, irritated, melancholy, excited....I don't like many of those.  They make me have less patience, be prone to emotional outbursts and introspective.  Being pregnant is the ultimate in being introspective.  I feel this little guy within me all the time.  The glory of sharing your body with another is that intimacy.  What I find challenging right now is that I need to be solitary and between a three old and a gestating baby I am never alone. 
I can't remember feeling this way with my first pregnancy but my life was so different then that it's almost ridiculous to compare the two. 
I am so blessed to have the opportunity to carry this child, to learn some of his little quirks even now without having seen his face.  Getting ready for him is coming along nicely.  There are some timing issues that are a bit stressful but they are completely out of my control.  So what will be, will be.
If I was better at this process I may be one of those women with a brood of children.  Two will be plenty, thanks.  However challenging I may find pregnancy it is worth it to add this little man to our family. 
Another difference this time has been that my creative impulses have been humming along.  The first pregnancy  I lost all interest in sewing and did no art that I can remember.  This time I've felt lots of desire to sew and I've even completed 7 rows of piecing Ky's quilt together.  I have another 5 and then I will piece them together along with the 4 outer pieces and be done the top.  It may be too ambitious to say but I'd love to have the top done before little man makes his entry.
At 31 weeks I can say that I'm in a place of trying to keep one day at a time in mind.  Get through this hour, this minute, laugh when I can, enjoy these last weeks of having just my big boy around, not let things run away in my head and of course breathe.

a new year

As each year passes on this journey of mine I find myself greeting the new year in different ways.  In looking over my goals from last year I kept things simple and left the specifics for some other year.   That ended up being a good decision for me and us since small steps were taken which of course led to other paths not foreseen in the initial ideas.


Food and health were a huge component.  We established routines and some stuck while others faded away.  I wouldn't say in the end that 2010 was a particularly active year for us since the gym membership was abandoned, yoga on my own was sporadic at best until my prenatal class in the fall, and we certainly took fewer family walks than we had the previous year.   But we made a huge move towards eating more holistically.  I journeyed to almost vegetarianism and then back to a full meat eater.  Dave began eating meat after a decade of vegetarianism and noticed a marked difference in his health.  Nourishing Traditions: The Cookbook that Challenges Politically Correct Nutrition and the Diet Dictocrats changed my perspective on food preparation and began an at times overwhelming endeavor to eat with digestion and optimal nutrient absorption in mind. 

I took small steps towards being more pro-active in maintaining our health and avoiding sickness which we managed pretty well.  One stomach virus plagued us all, and Ky had a few brief colds and fevers but overall I'd say we made it through 2010 with little illness. 

Kyan joined the ranks of the potty trained, no longer breastfeeding big boys in big boy beds.  We indulged his love of singing and introduced him to more structured play environments in the community, while at the same time giving him plenty of space to evolve his personality and imagination organically.

Personally I kept up with writing as best I could and I did complete some art goals as well.  Making a picnic blanket, completing an art for art's sake piece,  and making gifts and home projects.  Pregnancy was planned and welcomed despite it taking its usual toll on me in the first trimester.  Moving was exciting and stressful but so worth the effort in the end.

As is so often the case for me with spiritual matters my practice fell by the wayside way too often.  Having young children does not aide me in this but I make the sacrifice without too much regret because I know it will come back.  I know that I will have more "me" time in every aspect when my children are older.  I see my crone self rising each morning to yoga, meditation and self-reflection.  Being an artist, writer and having a daily practice.  I will have those things in their time.  I plan on sharing more about my spiritual goals later this week along with my yearly tarot spread which I managed to do yesterday.  Yah!

I welcome this year with optimism and a serious re-organizing bug derived from nesting hormones and the completion of construction work in our storage room.  These next few weeks before our second son's birth will go by so quickly and I find myself trying to savor it being "just the three of us" while also feeling a sense that our family will be complete once this guy makes his big entrance.  I'm so grateful for the expansion of our family with a healthy nephew joining us and my parent's health being more stable.  And I am ever grateful for this space and the inspiration of the friends I've made here.  Having this little piece of me is always grounding and rewarding beyond measure.  Happy 2011 friends.  May it be your best one yet.

Mulling

This week has gotten away from me it seems. I wanted to check in and despite three or four posts running through my head this one is just going to be a rambley update about general life around here.

This family has had a really hard time getting out of bed for the last two weeks. Daylight Savings is kicking our bums...so our days have been a little off track with timing and while we are doing our best to stay on track I feel like I'm letting the ball drop quite often.

Ky and I haven't been on one of our fun long walks in a while. We've been outside digging in the garden, checking out a new park and watching the trains of course but not really taking those long hours to explore, play and absorb. Now that time may be delayed even further until the weather clears up a bit. It is supposed to rain here off and on until next week.

The rainy weather is making me want to sit in front of my sewing machine and only get up to pee and eat. I find those emotions difficult to negotiate as a mother because I have to get up constantly and do the thousands of other things that take precedence over sewing. But I'm getting 5 minutes here and sometimes even 15 minutes there so that will have to be enough for now.

The process of creating Kyan's new room is underway. We have found his big boy bed and will pick it up on the weekend. The journey to the room that I have envisioned in my head for him will be long since I see a new quilt, handmade sheets and train prints on his wall. But I will work away at it and eventually (whether here or at another home) Ky will have this room that I see in my head.

And while in some ways I feel just slightly down or off the mark in others I feel like I'm accomplishing something important. The area I'm really happy about is food. We are eating well and I'm working really hard to make that happen. Dedicating time and energy everyday to making good food is an investment into my family's health and well being. Out of all of the goals that I set up for myself this year that one is transforming a part of me. It is helping me to feel the results of good, whole food consumption on how I feel internally. I am noticing energy levels, my head feeling clear or not, sleep patterns....all of it. And food plays such a huge roll in that. Now along with my stack of sewing books from the library I've been mulling over taking out a stack of cookbooks too. But I'll hold that urge back a bit until I've got the sewing ones in perspective.

Now I'm off to do some yoga, Thursday is usually yoga day and that is another goal that I've been keeping for myself. Yoga once a week is really helping me stay centered and feel healthy. Since I may be the only person on the planet who still has a VCR the yoga VHS tapes at the thrift store are a very economical way to get a little instruction and motivation to keep going.

Have a happy rest of your week and I'll be back soon with those other posts I mentioned earlier.

Ten Simple Things

Heather at Shivaya Naturals has a wonderful giveaway happening and all you have to do to enter is post ten simple things that make you smile. Here is what is making me smile today.

• Kyan breaking into song spontaneously
• chai lattes
• my pink primroses in bloom
• Dave's green eyes
• seeing the waxing moon
• hearing the birds singing in the trees
• taking a walk along the water with my bff's and their babies (some human and some with tails)
• dreaming of solstice camping
• planning future sewing projects
• Kyan's eyelashes (they are devastatingly gorgeous. I think he'll have many a teenage girl swooning someday)

Setting Goals for 2010

dawn, a time of new beginnings

I was planning to update last year's goals in this post but my six month review was pretty thorough I thought, so if you are interested you can find them here. One thing that I found funny when reading them over was that I planned to research a "pagan themed" essay and I have no idea what that "pagan theme" was. Perhaps I've written it down in my notebook and I will stumble across it one of these days...I was a bit too vague on that one, lol.
My goals for 2010 are less specific this year. I have lots of things that I would love to make for my home, chair cushions, a quilt for Kyan and of course I have the whole reorganization of my home in sight as well.
Spiritually I want to keep the momentum that I built up in 2009, again celebrating every Sabbat and not putting a requirement on the celebration being large or small but just marking it. As Kyan grows each year he is becoming better able to notice the changing seasons and celebrate with me. I lost some momentum with meditation and personal ritual work but I am recommitting myself to that goal, and art is stirring within but it of course changes like the weather.
Health is coming up a lot these days for our family. I feel like this year will be one where health in food and exercise will be in the forefront. Health in the holistic sense: physical, emotional and mental, since as the years progress I am reminded over and over again that they go hand in hand with each other.
I have lots of personal goals, some quiet and soul related and some that will be louder and reveal themselves with time. This year will be huge for Ky and some big changes will unfold in our relationship: weaning, potty training, moving into a big boy bed and developing more of that unique personality of his.
Seven days in to 2010 I think the year feels good. Fresh, limitless and mysterious too. I say mysterious because the universe has a way of unfolding time for you in ways that you can not anticipate and you often have to change your path accordingly.
Here's to 2010 and taking it all in stride (that's a goal I've been working on for years now).

Holiday Tag

Rue at Rue and Hyssop passed this little holiday tag onto me. Thanks Rue. It was a fun one. I'm not going to tag anyone just because I doubt I'll get to reading the answers before the holidays but feel free to tag yourself if you want to participate.

Here are the rules:

- Copy and paste the questions to your blog.
- Then Tag 5 or more of your favourite blogs and leave them a comment telling them they have been tagged.
- When you post your blog, please spread some Holiday Cheer, and leave a link back to Heather's Blog as well as the one who tagged you.

Here are the questions:

1. Have you started your Christmas shopping?

I had to be done by now since we leave in two days. Earliest ever for me.

2. Tell me about one of your special traditions.

Our little family of three is still in the foundation building part of making traditions. But one of my favorites from childhood was waiting upstairs with my sister and brother on Christmas morning until my father came into the house from the barn. Once he came into view we would rush down the stairs to see what Santa brought for us.

3. Are you a Black Friday Shopper?

No. And you could not pay me to shop in such a frenzy. It would be a nightmare to me.

4. When do you put up your Tree?

We will help my parents put up theirs, probably this weekend sometime.

5. Do you Travel at Christmas or Stay home?

Travel this year which will be the first time in 8 years.

6. What is your funniest Christmas memory?

The year my sister and I got skis and she cried dramatically until my parents agreed to take them off of her (not before some hilarious photos were taken though). I don't think we even made it to the hill beside the house before she fell 3 or 4 times and well, you just have to know my sister to know how funny that was. (sorry Jess!)

7. What is your favorite Christmas Movie of All time?

"It's a Wonderful Life." It has the essence of what the season is about for me.

8. Do you do your own Christmas Baking, what’s your favorite treat?

I have begun to make new things each year to develop a tradition but so far I make cookies as gifts and vegetarian tortiere (french for meat pie) which is a traditional food that my Mom makes each year. I love too many things to count that my mom makes but tortiere always says Yule to me.

9. Fake or Real Tree?

Real all the way. From a charitable source and chopped up for mulch afterward.

10. What day (as a mom) does the actual panic set in to get it all done?

Just about now....yesterday.....luckily Ky is still not too aware of it all so I don't have to panic per se...only fret....lol....

11. Are you still wrapping presents on Christmas Eve?

Probably not this year.

12. What is your favorite family fun time at Christmas?

This year it will be just being with my family for the day, and celebrating Ky's second birthday.

13. What Christmas craft do you like the best?

Making ornaments is fun and I also like to make wreaths.

14. Christmas music. Yes or No, and if yes What is your favorite song?

Yes. Absolutely. "Deck the Halls" is a good classic. I'm also partial to "Jingle Bells".

15. When do you plan to finish all your shopping?

Planned and did finish last week. This was a benchmark year...it helped to have such an early deadline.

From Wolf to Doe

Puberty brought me my first encounter with a spirit animal. I use the term here in the sense of an animal that you feel drawn to or that comes to you and that guides or imparts wisdom through their nature that aides one on their spiritual path.
I probably heard of the concept during my teenage years and when my fascination with wolves took hold I equated it to the New Age/Indigenous People's mold. Over the years wolves not only decorated my bedroom walls but called to me from movies, books and art. I dreamed that one day I would go on a organized group trip to howl with wolves to the light of the full moon, and yes it was an interest that was very romantic to me. I was often angered at the misconceptions about wolves in our culture, how they were blamed for everything from low elk numbers to stealing children and I used any opportunity presented to dispel myths about them.
As far as the spiritual side however, I can't say that I did much work with the wolf spirit. One meditation that came to me frequently was running through a dense forest from a wolf's perspective. I felt breath, low, quick movement and physical power in that state. It has been years since the wolf and I have conversed but she has remained an animal that I have great respect and admiration for.

Fast forward to my trance work now. I have received a different visitor. In two trances I have interacted with a doe and her fawn. In the last one she informed me that she is now my spirit animal. This shocked me somewhat. I had just assumed that I would stay with the wolf spirit my whole life. But the doe informed me otherwise. She told me that it was time to move into my mother role and embrace the qualities that I need to feed my soul now. I have reflected on this a lot since the meditation and I've come to some conclusions through research into the differences in the animals.

While wolves are obviously still mothers in their packs I think the wolf was my maiden animal. Puberty brought the wolf to me when I needed to learn to respect my emotions and unconscious urges. My early twenties brought me to face my darker side which the wolf is supposed to aide with. They are fiercely loyal and that quality is one that will always be with me, I still see many wolf qualities in my nature. But as I learn of the doe, and examine my new fascination with deer I see that the internal fierceness that I needed during my teen years and during my twenties is quieter now. I still need to be fierce but in a radically new way: that of compassion, gentleness and patience.

During my pre-natal classes I was asked to pick some words that I felt would represent my internal needs during childbirth. I picked Surrender Warrior. Dave thought that they were a contradiction and on first glance they are but to me they made the most sense to the childbirth process and my feelings about it. Two years into motherhood they still make sense to me. The doe listens, she offers alternative paths to a goal, she sacrifices for the higher good and all the while maintains a fierce protection of her young. The outward picture of gentleness and grace can be overcome in an instant if a predator is near. The doe is my helper and guide through the trials of motherhood, the good, the bad and the ugly. But while she is an example of how I connect with my mothering she is also a herald of my journey inward. The Hind (red female deer) referred to as the Eilid in Gaelic, tempts one to explore their own magical and spiritual nature. She has arrived just as I feel called to look deeper and find more meaning. So while I greet her with open arms and am so glad to have been chosen by her, I miss my wolf self slightly. Perhaps she will return in another incarnation someday, but who I was before, who she was before is now a part of the past.

Deer now pop out of the woodwork everywhere I go. The Stag visits as well, though he reserves his lessons for very select periods so far. I've also realized that indications of this change have been coming up for several years now but I guess I was too distracted to listen to the signals. I have several books related to deer that I thought I had read and absorbed but now I feel compelled to read them again. I love that the universe spins you sometimes and says Ha! You thought you had it all figured out but you didn't. And in terms of my soul this could not have come at a better time.

My Life in Shoes

Getting an early birthday present led me to examine the shoes that I've had over the last 8 years. My life has gone through some pretty drastic changes in this time. I guess the last 8 years have brought me into adulthood. And it all began with hiking boots and a sunny stroll in a field.


These boots were a gift from my mom just before I moved out to British Columbia. I was proud of these boots. They signified my new life. A life of adventure, being an artist, hiking in the mountains, traveling to far off places and even marching for causes. They were the culmination of 4 years of Fine Arts education, feminist theory, and a renewed love and respect for nature. I don't consider myself much of a material possession obsessed girl but I remember taking a walk through a field on the farm I grew up on and looking down at these boots. The feeling running through me then was one of contentment and anticipation for my new adventure.


After several weeks in Vancouver without a single call from a coffee shop offering a job I tapped into an old dream. This dream left my hiking boots on the back burner and took my feet in an entirely new direction: Modeling. As I said, I had wanted to do this as a teenager and then had never pursued it. But opportunity knocked and I said yes please. So instead of hiking boots being the shoe defining my days it was high heels. I was now walking local runways, doing fashion photo shoots and having a great time. Some woman have difficulty walking in heels and I don't. I'm certainly not good at standing in them for hours on end but I can walk a 20 minute fashion show well. It was a great sense of accomplishment to be good at something that I dreamed of for countless years. Many circumstances led to modeling ending for me. My agent had hoped to get me modeling internationally but that was not meant to happen. And then my shoe selection changed too.


My Pumas! I saved up for these babies. And I've had them now for 4 years. So they were a great investment and are still the most expensive shoes I own. These shoes went to South Africa with Dave and I. They are comfortable, stylish and versatile. They represent a period of comfort to me. The days that Dave and I were in love and without obligations, the days leading up to our wedding and our honeymoon period, a time when I thought I was busy but really had SO much free time. They have transitioned well into the next phase of life too where comfortable and practical shoes are very important: Motherhood.


Here are the newest edition to my shoe arsenal. They allow for treks through suburban rain storms, muddy trails behind a stroller and most importantly jumping in rain puddles. Clothing and footwear have ceased to be primarily about style for me now. Action is what my shoes are about. Ease of use, comfort and fun. I want to have fun with Ky and jump and play and enjoy nature and these boots are perfect for this time of year in Vancouver. Since we don't get much snow here they will work throughout the winter and into spring as well. My life is now about the little guy more than me. My hiking boots are still in use from time to time, I wear my Pumas often, the high heels are used very rarely. So much so that my feet protest slightly and my back strains to remember the muscles used to stand in them. But I don't miss them that much everything has a season, especially shoes.

Quickie

Just a quick note to say that Dawn at The Domestic Witch has posted an interview that she did with me. So head on over for a visit. I have been loving her October Blog Party. Hopefully she'll have it again next year so I can get my act together and join in.

And don't forget to check in tomorrow for Blog Action Day.