Thoughts on Lost In Living

The highlight of International Women's day this March 8th for me was the free online screening of Lost In Living a documentary film that confronts the contradictions inherent in personal ambition and self-sacrifice, female friendship and mental isolation, big projects and dirty dishes.  More specifically this film follows 4 artists over a period of 7 years.  2 are best friends embarking in motherhood for the first time and 2 are women in the later stages of life looking back on how they managed their families and careers.
I have waited a long time to watch this film with much anticipation.  And I was not disappointed.

What the filmmakers were able to capture so well was the profoundness of the change that occurs when you birth a baby and how in the aftermath you flounder and float simultaneously.  Unlike the women in this film I had not established an art career prior to having my boys so I didn't have the pressure of maintaining it during the most intense first years in babyland.  The complexity of moving back and forth from artist to mama is indescribable but is a struggle that all parents trying to feed their ambitions while raising children face.  What is different to me about being an artist and doing this and what the film really gets at is that the emotional and creative toll of making this type of work inevitably leaves casualties.  Whether they are your kids, your career ambitions or your sanity something has to take a back burner.  And when that happens there will be something left behind that may never present itself again.

The depth of the relationship between the two new moms really hit home for me as well.  Having a best friend that I am traveling this motherhood roller-coaster with has made a huge difference for me.  Our styles of mothering are not identical but compliment each other enough that we did not experience a long period of emotional  isolation from each other as Kristina and Caren did and I am grateful for that.

Marjorie and Merrill offered a perspective that gave me hope but also resonated the most deeply with me.  Hope emerged when I saw that they were still working and had grown families that more or less functioned and were successful.  What hit to my core was that Merrill's definition of success still eluded her.  One could not help but wonder if that was due to motherhood, was merely a product of her generation's lingering sexism, or had a wrong place wrong time randomness.  Regardless it left me with the truth that what will be will be and I will have to let my view of success remain fluid as I age.

Nothing was sugar coated, this is a film that tackles these issues head on and lets you watch 4 women make their choices and lie in the beds they've made.  Raw and personal it confronts the reality that mothers face when navigating the myriad of choices we are so privileged to have.

Veiling: My Thoughts

Dave and I, July 29, 2006

The controversy over recent months regarding veiling in the pagan community has been very interesting.  I'm not sure why it has been such a "hot topic."  It seems whenever a woman chooses to dress a certain way lots of people have opinions about that.  Personally I support an informed choice to dress however a person chooses to.  From culture to culture there are numerous examples of women veiling for religious, cultural and personal reasons.  From modesty, to devotion to ones gods, and then of course we have the forced veiling of women for control under men.  Pagan women like the ones quoted in this article are adopting this practice for diverse reasons, all of them stemming from informed choice.  I see this choice as thoughtful and subjective and for myself at this time not one I'm making.

Thinking about this topic has left me with two comparisons in my own life to experiences with veiling or not.  The most obvious one being for my marriage.  When I wed Dave I made my wedding dress and we had our ceremony outside.  When it came to what to wear on my head I chose not to wear a veil.  The casual aspect of our day and the style of my dress just didn't fit with a veil to me.  Also I wanted to feel open to the universe as I made my vow.  My hair flowed down my back and I work a sparkling silver headband of blue flowers.  I did now know it then but my choice was more in keeping with Anglo Saxon tradition of flowing hair and a crown of flowers since the current fashion of veils was ushered into vogue by Queen Victoria.

The first time I used a veil during trance work went very well.  It was encouraged as part of a Baba Yaga meditation and I found it much easier to journey that way.  Perhaps it was the covering of my crown chakra that helped.  I was able to look internally easier.  I felt more cut off from those around me and able to quiet ego and chatty internal dialogue.

Using a scarf or wrap in this way is very helpful in such work.  I think it encourages quiet and self reflection.  It can be likened to a horse with blinders on, keeping you focused on the task ahead or in this case inside.

Also I have read that head covering can help with keeping other people's energy from overwhelming you in public.  Again I think it helps to keep you from being open, or too psychically exposed so to speak.  In that way veils are a useful tool spiritually just like tarot cards or an altar cloth; serving a specific purpose to meet a  need in practice.

The cultural impact of practicing veiling in public is more complex and can lead to one being mistaken for another type of religious follower.  Since this choice is one that requires maturity and thoughtfulness I'd hope that anyone doing it in public would have the self assurance to take any misinterpretations in stride.  As pagan culture continues to develop and mature we will face many more new/old practices that will challenge our preconceived ideas of what and who we are collectively and as individuals.

Book of the Month: Moon Mysteries

I was lucky enough to win a copy of this fantastic book last year.  Written by Nikiah Seeds and Nao Sims and illustrated by Eyan Myers this book celebrates an intimate side of womanhood, our menses.
Moon Mysteries: Reclaiming Women's Menstrual Wisdom takes the reader through 13 months/moons and features personal reflections from each author as well as historical and spiritual associations with different aspects of our menstrual cycles.
From our connection to the tides to our relationship with motherhood and our sexual partners this book is designed to be a workbook with custom charts for filling in and recording moon phases and emotions throughout our monthly rhythms.
Moon Mysteries is a journey helping us to honour something that our culture has come to denigrate making us in turn do the same.  Celebrating, writing in journals, taking time to acknowledge the changes that your body goes through each month all of that and much more is possible in this book's pages.
I love how each chapter is named by a themed moon as so many cultures have done for millions of years.  The Green Witch Moon, Blood Moon, Dreaming Moon, Serpent Moon - so much lovely imagery for the soul.  And speaking of imagery for the soul Eyan Myer's illustrations are stunning and invoke magic for the reader.
Although the book is not specifically pagan it speaks to the deep magic of ancestral devotion and the spiritual side of living.  I would recommend it for any thoughtful woman's library as a treasure to read through again and again.

spiritual Kinship

kinship - relationship by nature or character; affinity

Along the winding path that has brought me to this moment in my spiritual journey I have been fortunate to find many kin.  None have been blood relations but our bond has been from a common nature, character or interest.  We have sought together, looking inward while using each other as sounding boards for the next step to take.  Sharing books, information and the planning of rituals.  Challenging directions, supporting changes and many times letting go of hopes of similar outcomes.

Each woman that has joined me on this path has met me in a place of openness and I have tried to hold that space with her with an open heart.  You'll notice I say woman and that is because as of yet my practice has not included direct interaction with men.  This was a fairly deliberate choice.  One that can be fleshed out a bit more here if you are so inclined.   In the future I see that that could be different for me but since I am not a seeker right now it remains only one possibility of many.

 I feel fortunate that from several of my close girlfriends spiritual bonds evolved.  And despite geographical distance we ventured down similar paths in search of our truths.  Certainly most of our twenties were about this journey.   Who am I?  What am I looking for in this life?  To have companions as you search is truly a blessing.

Rarely the magic of the circle cast and the trust built from years of planning and carrying out ritual cemented friendship.  The kinship here was made slowly, fermented like a good wine and required patience and devotion to reach it's unique maturity.

Working together, falling apart, trying again or calling it quits.  There have been so many ebbs and flows as the kin have changed through this process.  They all retain special places and memories, sometimes sighs of regret but all lessons were important to the journey at hand.  

This post is about how integral the kinship of the women pictured here and some who are not have been to my path.  How their teachings and love have influenced me beyond measure and made their lasting patina on where my soul rests today.  Coming together in perfect love and trust is a risk that requires a leap of faith.  There are rarely road maps to direct you through the waves of life and spiritual practice as they crash on the shore.   But the bonds breathe and flex, twist and stretch.  I am grateful for each of you, near or far for all you have been and continue to be in this spiral dance.   

Girlie

Often days or weeks go by with little to no reflection of being female.  Surrounded by 2 boys, 1 man, trucks, trains, jeans, caps, bikes, sneakers, hockey, rocks, dirt, farts and well, you get it, there is not much of the girlie persuasion around here.  My parent's visit prompted us to move the upstairs rooms around.  Elliott's crib is now in with Kyan and the office has been cleared of baby use.  As I was standing in the hall on Sunday I glanced in the doorway and saw the above.  Not staged in the least the scene looked girlie to me.   And I thought wow, that is my little piece of woman space. 

Granted I have declared on several occasions to Dave that we share this space; it's his too.  If you were to glance a little further into the room you'll find a framed photo of a hockey goalie and various other items that are special to the man of the house.  I think my goal for this room is that it is an adult space, calmer, no toys or kid's stuff in here.  Our bedroom is still all about the kids as Elliott still sleeps with us for part of the night and it will never be off limits to random toys or boy energy of every kind.  But this room can be mine every now and then.  No train tracks, no dirty socks, just fabric, plants, room to sit and think.  As my time for expanding my artistic and spiritual horizons increases by the tiniest increments I see that this space will become more prominent.  It will change inevitably.  But Sunday gave me a little gift and showed me that amongst all the chaos that is raising young boys and being the only double X in the immediate vicinity the girlie is there and makes its presence known.  And I dare say these boys will be all the better for it too.

the end of an era

Please indulge my little journey down former television addict lane.  Yesterday as I'm sure you know was the last Oprah show.  As everyone has kept reminding me Oprah's influence in the world is certainly not disappearing.  But the vehicle of her show which has brought countless hours of change to the world is no longer in its original format.  Weekdays at 4 p.m are altered forever.  I wouldn't call myself an ultimate viewer but the show spanned 25 years and definitely influenced the way I see the world today.  Oprah's fundamental message of finding your true self and living from that place is one that I share.  And I applaud the work she does and her charity efforts.  She has put her money where her values are.  It seems strange to me that my kids will not see her show as a part of their formative years....perhaps it is just another reminder of how time moves forward whether we are ready or not.

Half the Sky Live Event

I wanted to share the details of a great event happening across Canada and the U.S. My friend Janet at Livin' La Vida Vegan sent me the info (thanks again Janet!)

"a one night event inspired by stories from the New York Times bestseller “Half the Sky” by Pulitzer Prize-winning journalists Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn. Celebrate International Women’s Day and be inspired to help women and girls everywhere turn oppression into opportunity. Featuring musical performances, celebrity commentary and the world premiere of “Woineshet,” a short film by Academy Award® winner Marisa Tomei and Lisa Leone. Also with appearances from, India.Arie, Maria Bello, Diane Birch, Michael Franti, Dr. Helene Gayle, Angelique Kidjo, Nicholas Kristof, Marisa Tomei, Sarah, Duchess of York and others. Experience Half the Sky on March 4, 2010 at 7:30 pm"

Click here to find a theater near you and view the trailer

I'm going to check it out. It's a great way to make a contribution (tickets are $10) to the work that CARE is doing to help women around the world.

Feel the power

This is my first post inspired by Pagan Blog Prompts. The prompt is about the feminine monthly cycle, our menses. And since I am bleeding with the full moon at this time (I usually move between new and full moon at least once a year) it seems like a perfect area to explore.

My journey in feminism and paganism have helped me determine what my menstrual cycle means to me. I remember waiting for it to appear at 13 when most of my friends had already started. I looked each day, waiting for something to happen. There was a mystique about it, some strange feeling it gave me to anticipate becoming a part of this club. When it came I freaked out. I called my mother to the bathroom and almost passed out. It is a hilarious memory for my mother and myself. I have no idea why I reacted that way. Once I calmed down I felt the small seed of feminine power begin it's blossoming.

And in a few months I hated it. Cramps, mood swings, I wondered what all the fuss had been about. I feel like society's views of menstruating: "that time of the month" "the curse" "your period" all the terms, the negative energy, the hassle starts to weigh us down. How can we have a positive experience of our cycles when everyone puts them down and we are expected to ignore them and pretend they are not happening and be "normal"?

Through a lot of internal work I have come to a very different place now. My friend Heidi affectionately calls her period her "moon" and I have adopted that term as well. It is my moon. My connection to the cycle of the moon. As it pulls the tides, it moves the blood within me. I am full of the power of regeneration. My womb is discarding this cycle to begin again. There are few other things that make me feel as connected to the universe as menstruating.

My one issue with this time is that I have to go on doing all the everyday things that I do during the month. If I had my way this is what would happen...

I feel a tinge, a hint of intuition that today my moon begins. I remove my clothing and dress in red. A long, loose and flowing gown, a shawl and a scarf over my head. I bid my family farewell and say I will see them in 4 days. I will miss them but know that I will return refreshed and ready to undertake my tasks with renewed vigour.
I tread on a worn path through tall trees. I hear the animals of the forest but I have already begun my inner journey to a deep place within. Here I will be completely inside. I will have no obligation to speak, no needs to meet but my own. I come to a secluded spot that holds a yurt-like structure. There are many women here. Young, old, thin, fat, blond, Asian, German, blind, tanned, short...they meet every description. They are every woman who also bleeds with this cycle, or they are pregnant, or they are saying goodbye to their menses, or nursing those that need healing at this time. Everyone speaks in hushed tones, there are no demands. We just are. I will come to this hut when I need food or quiet companionship for the next 4 days. I will sleep, eat, meditate, read and bleed. I will squat, lean on trees and bathe in the river. I can rest here, recharge, renew. At night I can gaze at the full moon, feel her pull the waters inside me and be cleansed in her light. I eat strawberries, tomatoes and beets. I sing songs of the earth around a warm fire. I sway with the wind and drink the rain. My name is not spoken...I cease to be in my head.
At the end of the 4th day I begin my walk back home. I enter my house and things are neat and quiet. I speak softly to my family, we are happy to be reunited. I drink tea and prepare myself to come back to my daily world. My moon is not over but is waning. I resume my work slowly so as not to undo all the rest I've won. In 3 more days I am back to full capacity. The cycle begins again.

Since I can't have the rest I have described above I do try and be easy on myself during my moon. My patience is low, vulnerability high. I drink raspberry leaf tea, I try and walk to keep my body from getting cramps. For several years I wore special red underwear during my moon. It's a great time to wear red. I try to commune with the moon...I try to do many things. It is a special time. It is a time of great power. I hope that the pagan community can explore the woman's mysteries more in theology and writings. We need to reclaim this time as sacred. Deep in my bones I feel that it once was a sacred time for us. Men and women revered this powerful cycle and gave it a place to breathe. Changing our notions about menstruation can only empower women and men to be more authentically ourselves.

Are We There Yet?

Today is Equal Pay Day in the United States. As far as I can tell there is little press about it in Canada. Despite our laws promoting Equal pay for equal work there is still a wage gap between men and women. According to the Fair Pay Campaign run by the National Women's Law Center:

April 28, Equal Pay Day, marks the day in 2009 when the average woman’s wages will finally catch up with those paid to the average man in 2008. The day serves as an important reminder of the persistent wage gap and the urgent need to take action to ensure that women can receive equal pay for equal work

If you live in the U.S. please visit the National Women's Law Center's page for advice on how to take action. For a Canadian perspective on the wage gap you can visit this site.

We are not there yet. As a stay-at-home mom I feel that this issue still applies to me. Whether you stay at home or not our homemaking, mothering and general day-to-day work is not valued by the almighty dollar in this culture. If you had to pay someone to do all the unpaid work you do it would add up to thousands of dollars: a cook, a cleaner, a nanny, an accountant, a gardener, a shopper, a driver, a counselor...the list can go on and on. Even in some Scandinavian countries where the gender gap is smaller this situation still prevails:

Women perform between 65 and 70 per cent of the unpaid work, even if they are in full-time gainful employment. Marriage or cohabitation immediately increases the amount of housework for women, whereas it does not make much difference for men. There is a clear generational distinction in the caring patterns, as men of younger generation share more responsibility for housework (quote source)

My message here is not one of doom and gloom. We need to face this situation together as men and women, as partners, as friends. Our society has been designed to suit men. We need to change that. The pace, style and goals of our culture are not in sync with the needs of women, children or men. We need more time to spend with our husbands, fathers, friends etc. And we need the work, the hours and hours of unpaid work that women do without even thinking about it sometimes to be accounted for in our culture. And for those of you who work outside the home and make on average about 78 cents to a man's dollar... let's keep on working until that is no longer the case. This is an unacceptable ratio and our generation can change this.

18th Annual Women's Memorial March

Next Saturday I will be attending the 18th Annual Women's Memorial March in the Downtown east side of Vancouver. I have heard about it for years and feel grateful to have the chance to march this year. This march is held in memory and honour of the women who have disappeared from the area, as well as those who have been found murdered. For decades these women, the poorest and most vulnerable where not given the support, help or respect they deserved. The neglect of these woman's basic human rights were a result of the neglect of the poor and sexism that is still rampant in our society. Because they were sex workers, mentally ill, homeless, poor or drug addicts they were ignored. I feel such a sense of outrage that so many women were cast off, lost and so many mothers, sisters, fathers, grandparents and friends felt helpless in finding their loved ones. Despite the sad nature of this event I will be there, on Valentine's Day, to show my respect and love towards these women and their families. If you are in the area please consider joining me. If you can not please remember these women in your thoughts and even light a candle if you are so inclined. More information can be found here. You can also make a donation towards the expenses of the event at that link.

*Image found here*

Women supporting Women

I've been out of the blog world for the last week. I was preparing my best friend's Blessingway. For anyone not familiar with the term a Blessingway is a special ritualized party celebrating the passage from maidenhood to motherhood or the next phase in motherhood. It is a more mother focused event and not as gift oriented as the traditional baby shower. I will post a specific entry about the party at a later date. But in the essence of supporting women I wanted to post about two organizations that I came across this week.

The first I read about at Crunchy Domestic Goddess. Amy wrote about a recent party/meeting she attended in which the Moms discussed their efforts in raising children and living green. The EcoMom Alliance was founded by Kimberly and is "a grassroots, global movement propelling a sustainable future and helping to reduce the climate crisis". The website is great with lots of ideas for gathering Mom's together to work towards a positive eco footprint. I joined the online group and am looking forward to sharing this with Moms in my area as well. I do believe that if Moms everywhere united on this issue, we could change the world, because frankly moms can do anything!
The second organization is called Women for Women International. Many of you may have heard of this group before as they have been featured on Oprah and 60 minutes. I think they are worth a deep look for anyone interested in the empowerment of women and how women(and their children) are affected by the ravages of war. They "mobilize women to change their lives through a holistic approach that addresses the unique needs of women in conflict and post-conflict environments". Writer and activist Alice Walker narrated this heart wrenching but wonderful ad which I would recommend all to watch. Many of these women were raped as a war act. The stories of their survival are incredible and give any North American woman insight into the misogyny and in-equality that is rampant in the world today. Currently I do not have the funds to sponsor a woman, but it is something I will do in the future. Both sites have blogs which have great information as well.
Mothers, grandmothers, sisters, daughters, aunts, cousins and friends, what happens to one of us touches each of us...our souls are part of the collective of this planet. We can make a difference together, united we are unstoppable.