Delving Deeper

It is quite a miraculous thing that we humans change.  That just as we think it's all figured out everything breaks into a million pieces.  And we stand somewhat stunned and left to contemplate whether our ideas were illusions or simply a part of becoming more ourselves.
My journey as a spiritual being has followed many such paths of self exploration.  From the ground breaking discovery of my core as a pagan - through feminism and Goddess based art, to my years sharing circles and building ritual space and then having to reject that destination as I lost my way.
Though I have identified strongly with beliefs that I can only categorize as pagan I also feel at times inadequate using the word.  Reading blogs, listening to podcasts, and seeing the work of others makes me see my own failings, and creates a reluctance inside as to how to proclaim my values.
I think I could approach this hesitation in a myriad of ways: take classes, read more books, spend more time in community for in the flesh experiences.  I could seek outside myself and I do.
But in the end what good would that accomplish me if I ended up as I was before, at a dead end that felt painful to retreat from and left me aimless for a time?
Actually I think I am still aimless to a degree but slowly the answers I seek are coming to me.  They are deep inside, they were always there.  I don't think I have them all by any means.  But they are from my core.  They resonate at a level that I can hear.  I can wrap my arms around them and feel their truth.
On June's full moon I found a spell/dream board that I had created for myself around 12 years ago.  Reading it inspired a rather stream of consciousness recording of my core beliefs.  They are the basis for all that spirit means to me.  These words trace a line for me to follow along my spiral.  They do not require a buzzword label but still, to me they are undoubtedly pagan.

CONNECTION
-to self: my body, my dreams, my spirit & soul, yoga
-to earth: hiking, gardening, traveling, defending, honoring
-to all living creatures: respect, service, place in the cycle
-to those I love: nurturing, trust, giving, receiving
-to the universe: order, chaos, ancestors, guides

CREATIVITY
-to produce: art, craft, garden
-to channel: messages, ideas
-to nurture: learn, read, gather
-to share: art, ritual, celebration

CYCLES/FOUNDATIONS
seasons, moons, aging/growing, elements, nature, food

This list will evolve I'm sure.  Be fleshed out, with some things being given more time and energy depending on the time and place.  It is a starting point that feels authentic and raw which feels just where I need to be right now.
(My series on Commitment is an addendum to this piece.  It speaks to the practical side of these values and how I am processing this information as I work to bring it through.)

Commitment (a multipart series)

Oh, what a crazy month April has been.  Life has been very full and a bit hectic and my head is overwhelmed with ideas of things to write here and this is the first time I've sat down to do so all month.  But rather than let my hands type out all these thoughts I'd rather focus on one at a time, because well, it seems more fair to you as a reader.  My next few posts will probably skirt around a theme that is coming up frequently this year.
Commitment and self-discipline.  April presented two opportunities to practice my commitment to the earth.

On April 12 our family attended the B.R.O.K.E sponsored rally against Kinder-Morgan's proposed pipeline expansion in our city.  There are dozens of reasons I am against this expansion but the first one is that our earth cannot sustain the practices of extracting fossil fuels.  This pipeline will transport oil across our backyard to buyers in foreign markets, navigating tricky waters with tankers that could spill and destroy wildlife and precious natural areas. We already live with the risk of the current pipeline's potential hazards let alone adding another.  This type of thinking about our environment as an extraction field needs to be stopped.

On Earth Day I visited Kyan's classroom and read "Earth Mother" by Ellen Jackson.  It is a wonderful story of the gentleness, power and wisdom of nature's cycles.  The kids were very engaged by it and we followed up with learning the first verse of The Earth is our Mother chant.  And to end the lesson we talked about what each of them could do to take care of the earth using this sheet.  I was happy that the kids responded as they did.  And despite being busy in other things I was glad to mark the day for the kids and myself.  I plan to do this each year as long as Kyan's (and eventually Elliott's) teachers are on board.  This work is about my spiritual path and in a future post I'll expand on where these values are building from.

Around home our interest in birds continues to be enhanced by our bird feeders.  Elliott built a nest for our little eggs one morning.  Spring brings forth so much life and newness that it spills over in the boys' faces.  The inspiration of it seems endless.

The Urge to Share

This year's blogging break has been quite a cathartic change for me.  I want to send a quick thank you to those of you who are still reading along.  I can't say that things will get more frequent here, but I will say that when there is something I need to share it will be recorded here.

Last year I experienced a wonderful renewal at Autumnal Equinox and I think this year has brought the same freshness to my perspective.  The coming of the rain brings insights into my journey.  They are not always clear or wrapped nicely for me to discover.  In fact they are often at the bottom of a pile that requires me to sit and slowly evaluate and discard things one by one.  But what I am grateful for is the chance to move through the pile at my own pace.

Launching my art career has is now coming upon a year mark.  It was last year that I discovered an opportunity and followed my instincts.  Now I am about to pick up my work from my second show this year with 2 or 3 more (hopefully) to come before the calendar year ends.  My mind is slightly blown from how life moves when things are falling into place.  It feels really good, really right for this moment in time.  I am building something for myself along with building for my family.

So my health goals and career goals are on track now.  As for my spiritual goals...well they are still sitting in a corner of my mind.  I see them and their importance is not lost on me.  They call, I hear them.  In this moment I struggle to find a place for them.  I struggle to find words for them, while at the same time my continual refusal to name something so deep and personal still surfaces.  For now, well, they wait.   I know that they will find their place in my life when the opening happens.  By opening I mean that life will find a space as it has before.  That the seasons of our world are reflected in the movement through our days and we must accept that the pace of the dance is not ours to control.

There is more, so much to share.  Thoughts, new stages, new opportunities.  All in their own time.

Eat more salad, Drink more water...

Happy New Year.

There are changes happening in everyone's lives... the change of the calendar always inspires new actions, resolutions, goals.  It's an arbitrary new beginning, but it never ceases to inspire many of us onward towards something different.  In past years I've listed goals in this space and I always create a small list to help my scattered dreamer mind focus as life rushes around me.
On Winter Solstice I sat for an hour by my altar and focused on goals, wrote down my dreams, meditated on what I could realistically expect from myself at this season of my life.

In truth the new year began for me sometime after Autumn Equinox of 2012.  I felt a new daring, energy that I may have never felt as concisely before in my life.  It was telling me to take chances, to step outside my comfort zones, to believe that I could make my life happen.

I've been a bit surprised with some of the realities of this new energy.  Balancing art making with homemaking is not easy.  Keeping it all in hand has brought countless opportunities to learn.  I've learned more about myself and my limits, learned about how much I can expect from others, gosh more lessons than I've even completely absorbed at this point.  

Over the years this blog has been a repository for whatever my mind and soul felt compelled to share.  That is changing as I endeavor towards new territory in my career and eventually with my spiritual work and home life.  For now things will look much the same but when my website launches sometime this year (not putting too much pressure on myself in terms of dates) I will be moving my creative and art musings to a new blog connected to the site.  This blog will remain my personal journey with my family and for more directly pagan writings, although my artwork and spirituality are very closely tied so we'll have to see how that develops.  This new direction is exciting and feels very right for this moment.

And speaking of this moment or tonight to be exact I'm thrilled to announce that I'm in an art show.  It is a group juried show with the theme of Earth.  I worked away during October to produce a quilted piece and was just beside myself when I was accepted.  Details for the show can be found here.

So this is a new year, and a new world for me filled new horizons to explore.  I feel along way from art school and a bit out of my element but that is what challenges are all about.  So to tie my title into this post I have many aspirations for this year, two are as simple as eat more salad and drink more water, others are as complicated as find concrete time for creating and forging new working relationships in the art world.   But they are all open and fresh and offer many adventures down the road.

Thanks for coming along for the ride.

around here: December 2012

Our month has been full of good times.  Visits to lots of festive places, wide eyes, birthday celebrations and sharing.  Solstice was quiet and small as usual, maybe even more so this year. 

We had lots of snow for Solstice which was very festive feeling.  It also added to the peacefulness.

We fed the birds on our Solstice walk and I set up my altar that evening.  Winter's mantle has settled over us these days and we sleep later and go to bed earlier.  It just seems to fit where we are right now.

Book of the Month: Wild Comfort

This stunning collection of essays was a delight to read.  Kathleen Dean Moore is a philosophy professor, nature lover, and wife to a biologist.  Moving fluidly from Oregon (her main home) to her Alaskan cabin and some exotic locals elsewhere her essays mix personal experience with deeply compelling reflections on death, the cycles of the earth, wild life and our human weaknesses.

Wild Comfort: The Solace of Nature takes you on a journey with Moore and her family that you want to continue past the end of the book.  After a series of close ones in her life dying she took to journey of the artist deep inside to find some sense of solace.  Bittersweet mixed with the simple rhythms of nature; while Moore's spiritual side is practically agnostic she touches on the mysterious and magical of the outdoors and our unmistakable connection to it.

I would recommend this book to anyone looking for comfort based in the falling of snow, the habits of birds or the currents of the ocean.

Staying Solitary?

My journey on this path has shifted over the 13 years I've been walking it.  From gathering information to joining an eclectic circle of women to heading out on my own.  The heading out on my own part just happened to coincide with having my children.  And so the life of a solitary practitioner has been spotty for me.  I've done ritual, worked in trance and gathered with others to celebrate, honour and feast.  I have set goals and met them, but often not met them.  This has been a matter of priority setting for me.  It has been my choice to put my family first and so my spiritual practice has taken a backseat many times.
As I emerge from babyland to a place where my children are more independent from my care things are shifting.  And although my tunnel still feels long at times there is a beacon there.  
I have heard others recently describing their religious work in a group and their spiritual practice alone.  I'm still abrasive to the word religion for many reasons but I understand the desire to make the distinction between work done in a group and alone.
As the years move on I understand more about the ebbs and flows of life.  What I am coming to realize is that the initial aspects of paganism that compelled me to call myself a pagan are changing.  I see this as a natural evolution as I become more and more in tune with my inner self.  And as these shifts occur I find that my desire to understand interests and origins grows.  I have never thought of myself as a seeker in the sense of how the word is used around the pagan community these days.  But where I may go in the future to deepen my understanding may bring me to work with other pagan groups.  By other I mean Druidry and Nordic faiths.  All of my group work has been in Wiccan based faiths, some very eclectically so.   I will take the next few years to do more reading, understand fully where I have come from and then decide where to go from there.
I think the "teacher" or "teachers" I may seek will present themselves at the moment they are meant to.  For now I feel comfort in the idea that this path will swerve around and bring me places I can't imagine for myself when the time is right and when I can make this part of my life more prominent again.  

Pregnancy: reflections on growing two souls

Before I begin I'd like to share that I'm going to focus on the positive aspects of my two pregnancies in this post.  I want to make that clear because I felt guilty often while I was pregnant for not enjoying every part of it.  But in the interest of being honest about my experience for any woman yet to travel that path it was not all roses.  There is lots of magic in creating new humans but also lots of challenges and it is okay to not love all of it all the time.

I take the concepts of "know thyself" and "your body is your temple" as close to heart as I can.  They are a pillar in the fundamentals of my spirituality.  That is why as a pagan I feel immensely overwhelmed at times by the awesome power that nature has in the creation of life.  It amazes me to plant a seed and see it turn into a seedling and then a vegetable which I can eat.  I am amazed by the will of life, by how fragile it is, how particular and also how random it tends to be.  And so the fact that two human beings have lived inside me and were created by two of my eggs and my partner's sperm still blows my mind.  Nature is magnificent.

When I was the home to these two souls there were many crazy and emotional moments.  When I was in the moment it was very much about staying there.  With my first pregnancy, Kyan's, I remember rushes of energy.  My blood moving through my veins faster than usual.  Feeling attuned with everything around me, feeling a part of a bigger plan and power.  I was very grounded while he was with me.  I slept deeply and did not dream.  I felt round and earthy and rooted.  Interestingly he is an earth sign.  And having the pulse of that inside me did alter how I saw things for those 9 months.  I was always warm no matter the temperature.  I set up an alter dedicated to growing and fertility and motherhood as I imagined it to be.   I read this book, I read many more on breastfeeding, childbirth and mothering.  I took a spiritually focused pre-natal class and I searched for pagan books or articles relating to rituals during pregnancy(and didn't find much).  And I read hundreds of birth stories from women in all walks of life.

With Elliott's pregnancy there was little that was the same.  Having a different soul inside was indeed different.  He was born a water sign and that is the same as my own.  That made a huge difference.  He told me early on that he was a boy.  I dreamed intense and deeply.  His name was called out by a mother at a playground and was instantly the only boy name he could have.  I felt the desire to make art often which surprised me because my first pregnancy had taken all desire to create anything other than the baby away.  I kept things simple and celebrated Imbolc with his arrival a month and 16 days away.  There was less time to feel the magic in my body but there was also always someone there to share it with me.  A little hand on my belly outside and in.  Two souls, two lives to unfold around me.

The temple of my body grew my sons and now will create new ideas and new plans for me.  I know myself enough to feel that I will not again experience pregnancy's magic.  What a glorious gift it is, what a complex and ancient wisdom that it holds.  

Needlework in Magic

[updated July 4th, 2014 - as information regarding Marion Zimmer Bradley's sexual abuse of children has been revealed I am deeply distressed but will leave this post as it is.  Mists of Avalon was a work that I loved to read but I no longer endorse Bradley's work.  In no way do I feel her art makes up for committing sexual abuse or turning the other way when a loved one commits such acts.]

Many artists, myself included feel as if they are conduits for divine energy.  I do not separate my artwork from my spiritual practice because when I make art I connect to a deep soul place that resonates with both my artistic and spiritual self.

Spiritual artwork is brought forth in many forms and has been used to adorn magical objects and places for thousands of years.  In my case this work is created with a needle and thread.  Whether through embroidery, quilting or sewing functional objects with each stitch I try and connect with a deeper flow and sense the divine moving through my fingers.
One of the most eloquent and powerful descriptions of this can be found in Marion Zimmer Bradley's classic Mists Of Avalon.  Morgaine is a priestess of Avalon and is told to make the scabbard for Arthur's sword.  She enters into a ritual space where she will channel the Goddess and embroider spells to protect the sword's bearer in battle.

On the first day, she cut, using the sword itself, an undersheath of thin doeskin. It was the first time she had had fine tools to work with, and she took pleasure in the special iron needle she had been given to stitch the sheath together...

Fashioning the shapes of doeskin sheath and velvet to cover it, she spent the first day; and before she slept, deep in meditation of what she must do, almost a trance, she cut her arm a little and smeared the doeskin with her blood...

All that day, in silence, she worked, gazing into the chalice, letting the images rise, now and then stopping to wait for inspiration in the meditative flow; she worked the horned moon, so that the Goddess should always watch over the sword and guard the sacred blood of Avalon. She was so wrapped in the magical silence that every object on which her eyes gazed, every movement of her consecrated hands, became power for the spell; it seemed at times as if visible light followed her fingers as she followed the horned moon with the full moon, and then with the dark moon, for all things must follow in season...there were times when it seemed that needle and thread moved through her own flesh or through the flesh of the land, piercing earth and sky and her own blood and body...

By sunset of the third day it was finished, every inch of the scabbard covered with twining symbols, some of which she did not even recognize; surely they had come directly from the hand of the Goddess through her hands? She lifted it; slid the sword into it; weighted it in her hands; then said aloud, breaking the ritual silence, "It is done."

(Here is a visual rendition of this scene in the book) 

While I have never had an experience as grand as this telling the trance-like rhythm of needlework often carries me to a space that feels between.  As I look towards a future of making more time to create artwork I see this as a technique to develop not only for my art career but also for my spiritual practice and journey.

Book of the Month: Moon Mysteries

I was lucky enough to win a copy of this fantastic book last year.  Written by Nikiah Seeds and Nao Sims and illustrated by Eyan Myers this book celebrates an intimate side of womanhood, our menses.
Moon Mysteries: Reclaiming Women's Menstrual Wisdom takes the reader through 13 months/moons and features personal reflections from each author as well as historical and spiritual associations with different aspects of our menstrual cycles.
From our connection to the tides to our relationship with motherhood and our sexual partners this book is designed to be a workbook with custom charts for filling in and recording moon phases and emotions throughout our monthly rhythms.
Moon Mysteries is a journey helping us to honour something that our culture has come to denigrate making us in turn do the same.  Celebrating, writing in journals, taking time to acknowledge the changes that your body goes through each month all of that and much more is possible in this book's pages.
I love how each chapter is named by a themed moon as so many cultures have done for millions of years.  The Green Witch Moon, Blood Moon, Dreaming Moon, Serpent Moon - so much lovely imagery for the soul.  And speaking of imagery for the soul Eyan Myer's illustrations are stunning and invoke magic for the reader.
Although the book is not specifically pagan it speaks to the deep magic of ancestral devotion and the spiritual side of living.  I would recommend it for any thoughtful woman's library as a treasure to read through again and again.

Girlie

Often days or weeks go by with little to no reflection of being female.  Surrounded by 2 boys, 1 man, trucks, trains, jeans, caps, bikes, sneakers, hockey, rocks, dirt, farts and well, you get it, there is not much of the girlie persuasion around here.  My parent's visit prompted us to move the upstairs rooms around.  Elliott's crib is now in with Kyan and the office has been cleared of baby use.  As I was standing in the hall on Sunday I glanced in the doorway and saw the above.  Not staged in the least the scene looked girlie to me.   And I thought wow, that is my little piece of woman space. 

Granted I have declared on several occasions to Dave that we share this space; it's his too.  If you were to glance a little further into the room you'll find a framed photo of a hockey goalie and various other items that are special to the man of the house.  I think my goal for this room is that it is an adult space, calmer, no toys or kid's stuff in here.  Our bedroom is still all about the kids as Elliott still sleeps with us for part of the night and it will never be off limits to random toys or boy energy of every kind.  But this room can be mine every now and then.  No train tracks, no dirty socks, just fabric, plants, room to sit and think.  As my time for expanding my artistic and spiritual horizons increases by the tiniest increments I see that this space will become more prominent.  It will change inevitably.  But Sunday gave me a little gift and showed me that amongst all the chaos that is raising young boys and being the only double X in the immediate vicinity the girlie is there and makes its presence known.  And I dare say these boys will be all the better for it too.

Setting Goals for 2010

dawn, a time of new beginnings

I was planning to update last year's goals in this post but my six month review was pretty thorough I thought, so if you are interested you can find them here. One thing that I found funny when reading them over was that I planned to research a "pagan themed" essay and I have no idea what that "pagan theme" was. Perhaps I've written it down in my notebook and I will stumble across it one of these days...I was a bit too vague on that one, lol.
My goals for 2010 are less specific this year. I have lots of things that I would love to make for my home, chair cushions, a quilt for Kyan and of course I have the whole reorganization of my home in sight as well.
Spiritually I want to keep the momentum that I built up in 2009, again celebrating every Sabbat and not putting a requirement on the celebration being large or small but just marking it. As Kyan grows each year he is becoming better able to notice the changing seasons and celebrate with me. I lost some momentum with meditation and personal ritual work but I am recommitting myself to that goal, and art is stirring within but it of course changes like the weather.
Health is coming up a lot these days for our family. I feel like this year will be one where health in food and exercise will be in the forefront. Health in the holistic sense: physical, emotional and mental, since as the years progress I am reminded over and over again that they go hand in hand with each other.
I have lots of personal goals, some quiet and soul related and some that will be louder and reveal themselves with time. This year will be huge for Ky and some big changes will unfold in our relationship: weaning, potty training, moving into a big boy bed and developing more of that unique personality of his.
Seven days in to 2010 I think the year feels good. Fresh, limitless and mysterious too. I say mysterious because the universe has a way of unfolding time for you in ways that you can not anticipate and you often have to change your path accordingly.
Here's to 2010 and taking it all in stride (that's a goal I've been working on for years now).

Book of the Month: November

Creation's Heartbeat: Following the Reindeer Spirit, written by Linda Schierse Leonard takes the reader on a journey with the writer and her husband. A journey to distant lands and to visit with cultures that venerate the Reindeer. This book is one that I feel the need to reread now that I have connected with the deer spirit. Leonard is a Jungian analyst who was inspired by a dream her husband had of a reindeer woman. In her research and work with different cultures that have deer goddesses an archetype of strength and gentleness takes form.
Reindeer are more than cartoon characters that pull Santa's sleigh. They are vigilant animals and both males and females have antlers. The pregnant females travel a great distance to birth their young and will use their antlers to defend them.
If you have an interest in northern legends relating to deer or tribes in Siberia and Alaska and their complex relationship with reindeer this book will be a great addition to your inner journey.

Evaluating my Path Fall 2009

The figure you see above is one that I found at the beginning of the summer at a thrift store. Despite her 90's new age feel she compelled me to bring her home. Clean lines, serene, seated cross-legged with her hands open. After a fresh coat of paint I planned for her to be a focus for my altar. I wanted to create an altar in the one spot in our home that no one else went to, the corner of the balcony off our bedroom. I wanted to get a small table and set it up with a carpet/blanket in front for me to sit on and just have this little place of my own. I could meditate, do rituals etc. and most of all have an area to focus that energy to. Well, here it is September and is there an altar out there? No. Why didn't this happen? There are many reasons. Money, time, lack of dedication, lack of making this wish a priority for myself.
When I find an hour to myself it is hard to prioritize what I'd like to do most. Read, sleep, work,
blog, sew... the list is endless for me. I never have problems with boredom since my to-do list is always so long.
But where does this leave my personal practice and are the ways I see my paganism changing?
I consider the development of my personal practice to be a series of baby steps. I have tried to set goals each year for my practice and this year has seen some of them realized and some not so much. But my main intention is to work my spirituality into my everyday life. What that means to me is changing though. One of the great aspects of participating in the pagan online community is that I'm learning in a more community based way than I did previously. 10 years ago when I found this path I relied on books and the experiences of other peers who were exploring similar ideas. In its next phase my journey joined with that of other women and we worked together on shared goals. I have yet to feel the need to seek out "a teacher", I may never feel that need. Instead I see my sense of spirit evolving with my life in an interconnected way. For instance my cooking skills are not separate from my witchy tendencies. Each time I make bread or try a new recipe something inside is putting intention into my work. If I'm not careful, if my day is not going well, my intention can affect my food. This has happened to me several times in the last two weeks because I've been "off". Just not focusing, not being present in the moment when I'm cooking. Being mindful of the present moment is a primary focus of my practice.
Another development for me in terms of my interaction with the pagan community online is that I am learning incredible amounts of valuable information. There are several sources for this. One being the many podcasts I listen to. Hearing about the pagan community at large, from writers, musicians, and pagans practicing their paths their way is so enriching. I find myself evaluating my views on issues raised and keeping abreast of current news and concerns has really changed the way I see my place in the community. I feel compelled to participate, use my voice, and present that voice as authentically as possible.
Sarah Lawless at The Witch of Forest Grove has opened a can of worms inside me as well. She is doing a series of posts on the history of different pagan traditions. These posts are so interesting. I have flirted with terms like green witch, hedge witch, domestic/kitchen witch but Sarah defines them and provides resources for further research. There is a wealth of info on the web about paganism but there is also misinformation out there. I feel very confident with Sarah's research. Terms are more for the reference of others than myself because I don't feel the need for self-definition. But I also don't want to call myself anything specific without understanding the meaning of the term. Witch has been a word that I've identified with for the last 10 years. Not in the Wiccan sense, not even in the witchcraft sense (although I do often consider my work witchcraft) but the word resonated with me. Pagan, witch, and now I say solitary witch. Witch means many things to me: magic worker, gardener, artist, weaver of energy. It's meaning is changing for me though. The more I understand about the specific Witch paths the less I am able to identify where I fit into their spectrum. I don't expect to resolve this issue in one post or even any time soon. I think I just have to keep working, learning and listening to my inner voice and guides and all will be revealed in time. This post has been a bit all over the place so please forgive my ramblings...but they definitely reflect my inner voice these days. Inspired, tired and open to change.

Atheist ads it's about time...

You may have been hearing about the recent approval granted to the Toronto based Freethought Association of Canada to run ads on the Toronto transit system. These ads will say:
"There is probably no God. So stop worrying and enjoy your life." These ads originated in Britain and so far the only out-cry received was a Christian bus driver who refused to drive his bus. Other European nations have had some criticism from various religious leaders, but overall the reaction has been small.
Here at home, Charles McVety the president of the Canada Christian College and the Canada Family Action Coalition put in his two cents in an interview, as reported by the Globe and Mail. Mr. McVety called the ads "attack ads" saying he was all for free speech "on the surface". Now I could not find anymore context for the interview and so I can only take these short sentences as Mr. McVety's opinion. I did look at the Canada Family Action Coalition's website and read their "Primary Principals" and found several statements to "attack" several of my values.
What I'd like to discuss though is the idea that doubt or questioning the existence of God, should not be regarded as a threat to one who does believe in God.
First of all, I can not see how this statement attacks anything or anyone. It does not say: "Christians are silly" or "God is a fairy tale" or "You are stupid if you believe in God." All it does is put out there for anyone who would like to ponder the question or who may have thought it in moments of doubt and was to ashamed or embarrassed to speak it out, that what they are questioning may be true. Realistically some people struggle with this question often, some think they have decided that they do not believe only to realize that when they actually pose the question out loud to themselves they aren't sure they know the answer and others never give it a passing thought. I remember my transition on this question vividly. I asked the question out loud and came to the realization that I did not believe in God. I believe in a universal spark, the essence of a life force, but I don't believe in God in any of the interpretations that religions offer. This was a pivotal moment in my spiritual path for many reasons but the most important one was that I ceased to look outside of myself for answers.
So this leads one to ask: What threatens Mr. McVety about this question?
Does he fear that those who follow Christian values and ideas blindly will in turn begin to think? I for one would see this as a bonus to his faith. Wouldn't a religious leader want followers that were sure. Wouldn't he want Christians to deal with their doubts and come through that with a renewed faith in God? Of course if one questions one may, as I did, decide that they in fact do not believe...but how does that threaten him if his beliefs are strong?
Unfortunately this brings one to the conclusion that Mr. McVety's beliefs are not only for himself, but for everyone. Which makes his statement about being "all for free speech on the surface" all the more disturbing. Because one has to conclude that he means that free speech is fine for his ideas but not for those of others.
The film Doubt makes some wonderful points about this idea. Philip Seymour Hoffman plays a Catholic priest in the 1960's who gives a Sunday sermon about spiritual doubt. The point he makes is that one should not fear that doubt will lead one away from God, but have faith that you will find that he is with you in spite of it.

I know you may be saying, but aren't you the atheist pagan? And yes, I am. But in the interest of being non-judgemental and not to mention that I am not insecure in my own truths, I really want to encourage freedom of speech and I want to encourage organizations like the Freethought Association of Canada to continue to ask these questions. Far too many people secular or religious do not question their values and beliefs or their religious leader's values and beliefs. We all have a mind of our own for a reason. Just as one should not blindly spend in this consumer culture, one should not blindly follow a religion or spiritual path, just because so and so does, or that's what you were told to do. I would also like to point out that there are lots of Christian messages on billboards and signs, people handing out fliers at subway stations and trying to spread the word. It's about time that some other ideas were put out there for all to see and ponder. That is the beauty of this society and we should all be thankful to have it.

My Journey to Paganism Part II

My first outing as a witch

If you are just tuning into this story here is part one.
After an afternoon tea at a typical small town University coffee shop I stopped into the local book store. For such a small town they had a wonderful bookstore. I wandered to the Spirituality section. Out of the many titles the one that spoke to me was called Book of Shadows. For anyone who has not read this book it is written by Phyllis Curott, Book of Shadows: A Modern Woman's Journey into the Wisdom of Witchcraft and the Magic of the Goddess is Curott's story. As I read this book I found a language that made sense to me. My connection to nature, my belief in revering the source of life, and the patterns that move with the earth and the universe. What I connected with most were the correspondences between the elements and the cardinal directions. Air, Fire, Water and Earth, East, South, West and North had been surfacing in my art work for years. Since I was studying feminism I was looking for a more balanced view of the essence of spirit. The patriarchy that had ruled western society for the last 6000 years had negated the female aspects of the divine. I saw the beautiful lessons in Maiden, Mother and Crone. Honouring the stages in women's lives and revering them.
This book was the beginning of my pagan journey. I read voraciously informing myself and blasting open layers of conditioning that Christianity and popular culture had made on me. This process was not easy, I questioned everything. Along the way some people close to me were forced to endure the exploration. Some rolled with it, luckily some were also going through it, others challenged me which in the end was helpful in my reconstruction.
I read Book of Shadows in the summer and followed it with The Spiral Dance by Starhawk. In the Reclaiming tradition and her lovely way of writing I found a language that was less formal and more inclusive than Curott's.
That fall I did several rituals with friends and tried my hand at creating a Wiccan/Pagan practice in my life. These explorations led me to understand more about the labels and titles in the pagan community. It is hard to not get convoluted when talking about the whys in different terms etc. And I am obviously writing this from the perspective of the informed reader. So anyone who is new to the craft and reading this may need to research some of the terms and jargon that result. Please keep in mind that I am recounting my own personal story and not trying to insult any one's reasons for the terms they use on their path. That goes for my rejection of Christianity as well.
As a feminist I responded to the female principals in Paganism. I do not believe in ignoring the male principal though. The balance of male and female is important to me, I have never practiced with men in a small coven setting, but I honour the male aspect of the God, the Green man and his myriad of faces. I do not believe in outside deities but in the archetypal essences of Gods and Goddesses. They are lessons, guides and markers on which to mirror your own conduct. I sometimes refer to the earth as Goddess, but the universal spirit is both male and female and neither at the same time. The term witch is one that I have always liked. Despite the negative views of witches, I respond to the word on a sub-conscious level. I can't even articulate why I love it, the word has power to me. All the ways you can misconstrue the word, just makes it stronger to me. It resonates on a deep level for most people, one of fear to some and yet that does not make it a "bad" word to me. So while I would call myself a witch, I would not call myself Wiccan. Now I am aware of the debate in terminology in the Pagan/Wiccan community on this issue. Some feel you can't call yourself a witch if you are not Wiccan. I find Wicca to be too constricting to me, too ordered and set with rules. The soul of ritual to me is spontaneity, true intention and a focus on making an authentic effort. Reciting the proper lines, and lighting the green candle before the red is not something I stress over.
So I call myself Pagan in the definition based on the old meaning of "from the country" and in the Neo-pagan sense of reclaiming the spirituality that I believe my ancestors followed before conversion to Christianity.
By the time I left University and moved to the West Coast of the country I had reached these definitions within myself and felt comfortable with them. Much has developed in my Pagan practice over the years here. I joined a group of women, was with them for several years and participated in some wonderful rituals. I eventually left the group (I go into more detail about why in my Witch's Voice article) and have been solitary for the last two years. This has worked out all right for me. I do participate in some larger community gatherings, and sometimes do rituals with friends. I consider my path an ever changing and evolving one. Nature and its rhythms is my guide. Science and environmentalism are also part and parcel of Paganism for me.
I still read many books about the craft, and attempt to make every day a spiritual one. It is not easy with a young family to care for, but I can't be perfect so I do not let myself try to be (most of the time).
Life is precious...and short.

My Journey to Paganism Part I

University Jen

I was pretty happy to have that degree

The road to one's true spiritual path is sometimes long. I thought I should record it for posterity. A girl I was close friends with in elementary school wrote to me a few years ago. She expressed her new found Christianity and I decided to explain to her my discovery of Paganism. In her next letter I knew we had a problem when she said: "so you turned your back on God..." There are some people who are not capable of seeing their religion objectively, I try hard to not be such a person.

I was raised a United Church Protestant in rural Quebec. The church we attended was at the end of the lovely dirt road we lived on. It was/is (its still there) one of those simple, white with green trim buildings. Two isles leading to the pulpit, a small choir area and a typical side lit portrait of Jesus that hung on the wall behind the ministers head. I went to Sunday school and really liked hearing bible stories, singing hymns and just being dressed up and with people for a few hours. I participated in the church and talked to God often. When others prayed in church and would bow their heads I felt that was wrong. I wanted to look at the portrait of Jesus. I didn't feel like God wanted me to be meek or fearful. There were many things about Christianity that did not fit for me, even at a young age but I ignored them and took only what I liked about the religion. This method worked for me until I entered University.
In my second year of University I took a Woman Studies class. I had always been one of those women who said: "I'm not a feminist, but..." I had conformed to the view of feminists that is stereotypical in North America; man hating, angry women. Taking that first Women Studies class changed who I believed myself to be. So much rang true and spoke to the deepest part of my self. And the phrase "The personal is political" made sense to me. The interconnection between all parts of self and how the outside world related back through that. I worked a Women Studies class into each following semester. And the more I read feminist theory the closer I came to the Goddess Spirituality Movement through images of Goddess art. I was pursuing a degree in Fine Art. My art began to reflect my journey. I was re-inventing myself. Stripping away years of society's conditioning to find who I really was. This period was during my early twenties. I think your early twenties are when you have the chance to find out who you want to be. I had several good friends who were also in this place of self discovery. There were many shared books, and discussions over tea.
I read Judy Chicago's autobiography called:Through the Flower: My Struggle as a Woman Artist (1975) which was really important to me. I remember feeling so inspired by her and her work. I read, wrote essays, took seminar classes and deconstructed the layers of "Disneyfied" helpless woman waiting for her Prince that had chained me to a specific view of the world. As this chain was breaking so was my ability to call myself a Christian.
The history of the religion, the values it upheld within other denominations, the hypocrisy and the shear lack of probability. I pulled on thread after thread of issues that did not resonate with who I wanted to be, and in the end Christianity and I had lost our friendship. The figure of God, the idea of God as an outside all controlling force was gone. The universal feeling of something magical that sparked life and existed after death remained. What I needed for myself was a language to use about my spirituality that made sense to my soul. So as any student of life would do when in search of answers I headed to my local book store.