November Myth

When I contemplated what I would write about this month's word: Myth, I was baffled for quite some time.  So as we creep halfway through December I now feel ready to sort it out somewhat and lay it down for posterity.

Rather than using the "traditional story" definition of myth I am thinking of the "widely held but false belief or idea" version of the word.  And specifically I'm referring to the myth(s) we tell ourselves about ourselves.  We form stories from birth as our understanding increases.  Other people can break or contribute to the myths we create for ourselves.  These myths can often limit our capacity to change.  And I've held many that broke this year.

One such myth was that I lacked drive to pursue a career.  This year drive burst out if me with a vengeance  and I feel like I crushed several beliefs that I had created about how much time I actually have to make art.

I will hold this year as a marker, a place that revealed many ideas I had about my core that were false.  Perhaps they just could not emerge sooner than now.  37 was when they were supposed to become a part of me.  It certainly is true that age gives one the gift of understanding more about ourselves.  Or maybe it lets our constructed myths crack enough for us to consider other possible realities for who we are.

I have teachers around me, people that love me, who have helped these cracks open up as well.  Challenging me to let go of rigid ideas of myself that are outdated or that limit my growth as a human.  I am grateful for those lessons despite the fact that they can be painful to learn.

As I reach further than I ever have towards putting the pieces of my life puzzle together the coming year feels like a chance to push harder than before.  At this point I feel that I have to potentially overreach in order to understand where the balance or sweet spot is.  And the sweet spot will probably change more often than not but we will just have to adapt to that.

A human trait if ever there was one.

October the Harbinger

(photo taken by Elliott)

As this year winds down; days getting shorter while the cold creeps closer, I try and hear the herald of winter and just be.
Today I put my small garden to rest, Kyan is home from school with his first cold of the season.  The sun was out and the crisp morning was perfect for trimming the raspberry canes and the stems of faded Lady's Mantle blossoms.   Our home is slowly coming back together after several room renovations.  The process of refreshing after 5 years in this home is fulfilling but made October far from stress free.

There were a few traditions missed, we picked no apples and put out minimal Halloween decorations.  But in the spirit of doing our best with the situation at hand we still made the most of the seasonal fun.

I look forward to the Yule season this year as a time to decorate and make the most of our inside space although living in such a temperate climate we are able to be outside all year (as long as we don't mind the rain)

Dancing the Spiral at Reclaiming's Samhain ritual felt like a complete renewal of my body at the cellular level.  I find that I have become more open to the energy raised each year.  When I leave the ritual space I feel new, almost reborn and that energy carries me through the darkening.  In fact I crave that renewal and look forward to immersing myself in the winter season to come.  Perhaps being an autumn baby adds to the power of this time.  38 bares little problem for me, unlike how I felt last year as my 37 birthday approached.  Looking back on the past 10 months I see why I felt so uneasy last year.  It was a year of change and lessons, a harbinger of growth and things I didn't want to accept.  It may be something I'll reflect more on next month.

Subvert September!

Oh, September you do it to me every year.  Sending me running around like a headless chicken as I naively say: "Sure we can fit in one more thing!"
But we can't.  And this lesson is one that I seem unable to remember as this tricky month rolls around.  So here I am on the other side of another 9th month, glad it's over but amazed that it is so crazy busy year after year.

There is an election coming up in Canada.  This has been the longest length of campaign time in the history of our country.  Facebook, radio, it doesn't matter where you look the quotes and promises, the anger and apathy is everywhere.  I have never felt so unwilling to engage in the debate and so pessimistic about the outcome.   While at the same time my urge to subvert our current government could not be greater.

Subvert, verb; to undermine the power and authority of (an established system or institution).

Every value that I hold dear has been subverted by our current government.  That is a hard pill to swallow and frankly it's been happening for almost a decade.  I don't expect perfection or even a government that aligns with my radical views, but I do expect much more.

The reality of our own making can be subverted.  I can choose to undermine my own penchant for putting too much on my plate.  Subverting the government....that is a bit trickier.  Of course it feels damn near impossible.  But I research, I vote and I count.  As small as that seems in the overwhelming odds against.

One of my favourite bands added a pebble to the stream of subversion.   And it gave me an uplifting feeling in a sea of doubt.  Enjoy.


Land You Love - Hey Rosetta! & Yukon Blonde from Phil Maloney on Vimeo.

Fair November

What a stunning month November was this year.  The thing about my birth month is that most people find it wet, cold and depressing.  Which I try not to take personally really.  I mean, there is little I can do to redeem it for anyone...it is what it is.  Except when it is not.  Like this year when it was sunny almost every afternoon and that sun streams down like a gift to those of us that are usually huddling under umbrellas and feeling pale and gloomy by mid month.  The above photo is of two bald eagles on the edge of the Harrison river.  This was their moment to feed on the salmon as they return to lay their eggs and die in the process.  Such a fascinating life cycle and such a delicate balance that we were privileged to witness this year. 

On the right in the above photo lies the Harrison Hot Springs Resort & Spa where we luxuriated in the healing waters for a lovely weekend.  It was the highlight of the month for me.  So relaxing after a busy month of soccer games, gatherings, school, cleaning...you get the picture. A mini vacation it was and a grateful person am I.

And just cause I want to share a lovely poem I found about November that gives it a nice sentiment rather than the gloomy one that is often associated with the 11th month.

November comes

and November goes,

with the last red berries

and the first white snows.

with night coming early, 

and dawn coming late,

and ice in a bucket, 

and frost by the gate.

the fires burn

and the kettles sing,

and earth sinks to rest

until next spring.

-Clyde Watson

October Memories

 The first time we trekked out from the city to the country to pick apples and pose with pumpkins was 6 years ago.  The biggest guy in these pictures was only 2 and the second biggest guy was in my belly.  The next year we had two little ones and one on the way (actually only a month out).  Several years and subsequent visits later we brought the littlest one who decided to sample the dirt during his first pumpkin photo shoot.  And this October these pictures were taken of four rapidly growing boys.  In various stages of becoming men.

 The thing about tradition and growing up is that while we adults try and create memories we really can't.  Ultimately what the boys remember will depend on them, what is important to them, what they value, what sticks as odd or fun or silly.  It may be that I may cherish these outings way more than they ever do.  I acknowledge my part in that, my attempt to influence their childhood stories to reflect my own values and interests.

 There was no picture where they all looked at me and smiled.  Photographing 4 boys between the ages of 8 and 2...good luck my friend.  But in each one you can see a characteristic; the stoic leader, the mischievous one, the thinker with his heart on his sleeve, and the unpredictable wild card.  Each so close and yet miles away from the person they could be tomorrow or were yesterday.  

There are many definitions of family that ring true for me.  I don't hold one above all others because the path of my life has taught me that every type of family that we encounter whether we are born into in, make it ourselves or have it forced upon us shapes us and teaches us more about ourselves.  All I can hope for these 4 is that the family that they most certainly are gives them strength and deep love and acceptance that they can carry their whole lives.

Shapes of September

 

September was of course a lesson in adaptation for us.  Kyan going to Kindergarten was the whole scope of the month.  A little getaway with friends, a soccer routine to get into....and weather that was just steady.

Can it be that almost 4 months have passed since this new routine came about?  And while we are not old pros yet we certainly have a rhythm that wasn't overly disruptive to our lives.

Kyan likes school.  He does well with the schedule and while he is more tired as seasoned parents always say happens that first year, he takes it all in stride.  The transformation has been positive.  I see his confidence growing, his ability to adapt is better and his learning capacity is impressive.  We have yet to get a report card, but I don't feel I need to read it to understand how he's doing.

What I see and what he exhibits is very promising for a school experience that enriches him.  But as with everything we'll just take it one day at a time.

The Urge to Share

This year's blogging break has been quite a cathartic change for me.  I want to send a quick thank you to those of you who are still reading along.  I can't say that things will get more frequent here, but I will say that when there is something I need to share it will be recorded here.

Last year I experienced a wonderful renewal at Autumnal Equinox and I think this year has brought the same freshness to my perspective.  The coming of the rain brings insights into my journey.  They are not always clear or wrapped nicely for me to discover.  In fact they are often at the bottom of a pile that requires me to sit and slowly evaluate and discard things one by one.  But what I am grateful for is the chance to move through the pile at my own pace.

Launching my art career has is now coming upon a year mark.  It was last year that I discovered an opportunity and followed my instincts.  Now I am about to pick up my work from my second show this year with 2 or 3 more (hopefully) to come before the calendar year ends.  My mind is slightly blown from how life moves when things are falling into place.  It feels really good, really right for this moment in time.  I am building something for myself along with building for my family.

So my health goals and career goals are on track now.  As for my spiritual goals...well they are still sitting in a corner of my mind.  I see them and their importance is not lost on me.  They call, I hear them.  In this moment I struggle to find a place for them.  I struggle to find words for them, while at the same time my continual refusal to name something so deep and personal still surfaces.  For now, well, they wait.   I know that they will find their place in my life when the opening happens.  By opening I mean that life will find a space as it has before.  That the seasons of our world are reflected in the movement through our days and we must accept that the pace of the dance is not ours to control.

There is more, so much to share.  Thoughts, new stages, new opportunities.  All in their own time.

november, again

This week has been a bit of a challenge.  Days feeling long, my brain not retaining information, rushing around, dealing with the ineptitude of others.

But simultaneously I have looked upon my family with expanding eyes.  I have sat and talked with my husband in the evening lamenting the complexity of adulthood but accepting that in this moment at 35 the complexity is never going away.  It just is, it is life.

The quiet in this space may continue for a while.  My priorities are shifting slightly though I'm sure I will return  here with more regularity in the future.

What I am noticing is that as I project myself outwards towards my local community I have less energy to project towards the online one.  But again, I am not worried or saddened by this.  It is an experiment in a way.  An expansion of my safety zone.  It feels like a good time.

just a little off

That's how I'm feeling this week.  A weekend away has left me feeling behind...just trying to keep afloat amid  the normal day-to-day.  Today the sun has shined all day and that has been very refreshing.  In fact nature has brought a sense of solace with some heart pumping hikes and drinking tea by a rushing creek with Elliott.  As I'm ordering gifts, attending craft fairs, cooking and doing a little making I feel the need for quiet.
Perhaps that is why being in the woods is giving me so much comfort.  The loud hum of the water over rocks, birds, those sounds are good noise.

Sleep is also a bit short these days, something I will keep trying to remedy since we are all fighting the sniffles.  I am keenly aware of the dark time, these weeks from Samhain to Yule always hold reflection and a sense of turning inward.  Next week I hit a bit of a milestone age and that has me marveling at how time moves.  The spirals of life cycling around us...

 I think I'll get through these feelings eventually.  I think it is normal to experience this ebb after the flow of the last 6 weeks.  Soon things will be quieting down in terms of day-to-day and holiday fun will spring up here and there.  Soon...the only certainty is the passing of one moment into another.

Breaking Tradition

With the rains and winds of October's last day blustering yesterday we did our best to enjoy Halloween.  Things, important things have been left out of this holy time of year for me.
Specifically our local Reclaiming's Spiral Dance ritual that I have attended every year for the last 9 years.  Two of those years I was sporting a huge belly, and each year I have considered the time to be "mine."
A very important, sacred time to let go, honour, journey and celebrate rebirth.  This year that didn't happen.  This year I looked over the days of hectic fervor and thought to myself, no.
That was hard.  It's not like I go out a lot these days, I rarely get to enjoy something with other pagans.  Being a part of the local community is important to me and yet I neglect that aspect of myself.
I'm not here to defend or make excuses, just to reflect a moment.  This moment was crystal clear when it dawned.  My inner voice said, you are tired, you've pushed yourself and your family to accommodate several things already this month - something has to give.  The most clarity in the moment came when I realized that I wouldn't really enjoy it.  I knew I'd have a million other things on the list running through my head.  I didn't feel able to be present - for the first time in 9 years it just wasn't going to work.
So I did not go.  I thought of the ritual going on several times Sunday evening, I had a nap which is another rare thing for me.  So instead of a ritual to soothe my spiritual self I rested my physical self.
The moral of this story is that as the hectic time of the holidays approaches try to listen to yourself.  If you sense that something you have done for years, a tradition is just not coming together the way it has in the past  that's ok.  It's ok to bow out this year.  And when next year comes around again you can return feeling a renewed sense of joy to participate.  Or you may want to create a new tradition and see where that takes you.

Wishing you a blessed Samhain and hope you had a great Halloween.

October from Above

This month is flying by.  Each day a mix of school, play, food and work.  Sun, wind, rain storms and so many leaves keep reminding us of the earth's preparation for sleep.

We started the month by eating our last homegrown tomatoes.  Certainly a larger crop than ever before.

We've had lots of time outdoors.  The scheduled time of Kyan's outdoor preschool has given he and Elliott and I regular contact with being outside for long stretches.  It is honestly invaluable.  A blessing for us on every level.

Train play is it around here.  Whether you are 4 and a half, 1 and a half or 30 something or other, you'll be playing trains if you are here for more than a minute or two.

I got adventurous and steamed my first batch of artichokes for baked artichoke dip.  They are so funny and grey looking once cooked but the dip was a hit.  So I'll be making it again for sure.

I can't remember a busier October for our little family.  With two weeks left is it safe to say we've managed ok?  There are big plans for quieter times in November and December.  Just because it is good to honour the need for rest, quiet and contemplation.  There will still be plenty to do, but just a slower gait for us.

Poem of the Month: Apples

I wrote this poem in October of 2008 less than a year after becoming a mother.   Looking back on the seasons and how quickly they pass as I sit here 4 years later and now have two sons blows my mind.

Kyan in 2009

Our World in an Apple

My son, it is the time of apples

as you sleep, curled

rosy cheeks, round and full

the dishes sit in dissolving suds

leaves fall,

cold rain pounds the ground

and I think of you

how you have changed me

how you have opened every part

the nooks and crannies of my soul

how with this opening

I am fuller,

better

deeper

than before

inside apples are five pointed stars

your smile, your temper, your laughter, your hands and your eyes.

Yes I am open.

I am susceptible.

I am vulnerable.

I care more

about everything

my maiden could be withdrawn

she could turn away

she could stay inside her dream

as mother I love in the raw

my heart pulsing in one of your hands

while in the other you hold our world

reflected on an apple

Tales from My Garden Wrap-up 2012

Today my thoughts have turned away from my own garden and towards the busy season of Autumn before us.  Tomorrow I'm going to this with my lovely friend Sarah and our littles.  We'll have a ritual to celebrate the Equinox and enjoy the gorgeous scenery of these gardens.  I've been looking through recipe books to find a perfect fall cake to bring and soon another trip to pick apples will be scheduled.

As our calender fills up the garden is quietly beginning its decline.  The re-roofing project on our townhouse pulled me away from the garden earlier than ever this summer.  I was happy with the bountiful lemon balm which is still on the list for the dehydrator, as is the applemint.  The bee balm was eaten alive by something but I'm hopeful that it will come back next year.  I've dried raspberry leaves for tea and hope next year to get a harvest of berries from the plant.  As for the back patio plants the tomatoes continue to ripen over at my neighbour's place since our deck is a construction zone.  The cucumber didn't produce well and the parsley was not as prolific this year as last. 

I've taken away several lessons from this year's experiments.  The summer's abundance or lack thereof has given me lots to ponder.  With each lovely tomato that we've eaten (there haven't been that many so we've savored each one) I've become more decided that my tomato growing days are over for this period of my life.  I have tried for 3 years now and though each year has proven more successful than the last I think overall I can find a much better use for my time elsewhere.  Because of the heat on our deck the tomatoes require more attention than normal.  I'd rather be sewing than doting on tomatoes.  Especially when I have such wonderful options from the farmer's market in terms of heritage varieties and the like.

Our peas were great this year although no english shelling peas next year.  Just the snap ones will do for our summer snacks.  I'd need double to triple the production I did this year with the shelling peas to make it worthy of my time. 

The rhubarb was very abundant this year and I got many harvests from the one plant.  Next year I plan to get some manure for it in spring just to give it that extra boost it may need.  And otherwise I plan on getting more flowers for the patio next year so that my eyes and the bees and butterflies can enjoy them.  Growing food is a wonderful pursuit and I think it may take more of a central role in our family in the future.  For the next few years though I'm going to put my efforts into other areas and take advantage of the myriad of organic/biodynamic options that are all around the city.

There is still lots of work left in terms of putting all the plants to sleep and cleaning up pots for overwintering.  Last fall I got lazy and left it all out in the rain for the winter...something that I regretted this spring since carrying drenched pots of old potting soil is not fun.  I will plan out some fall days to clean up the remaining pots and also plan to cover the front bed with leaves for extra mulch and to add to the Halloween display that is in my mind's eye.  As always I'm grateful for the lessons that growing and working with the soil impart.  I hope your garden has blessed you with lessons and abundance this year. 

Saving the Harvest

As the wheel of the year turns towards Autumnal Equinox each year I try and preserve some of the harvest for our family.  In the past I have frozen corn and picked apples for applesauce near the end of September.  This year I was home in the second week of September with 20lbs of Roma tomatoes.

There is a rhythm to stirring sauce, peeling tomato skins and chopping vegetables.  An almost trance feeling can come over you as you stir and watch the bubbling meld the flavours. 

Because, as I've mentioned previously, I spend so much time in the kitchen these days the work I do there has taken on a magical element for me like never before.  This is my daily practice, my most constant repeated routine and one that affects the fundamental roots of the household the most.

When we pick apples this year as we have for the past 5 now, we will fill our cloth bags with huge red orbs that along with pumpkins are my most treasured signal of harvest time.  The ripening of the earth's bounty is a finite time.  A blink and you've missed it.  But it also takes lots of time and as this time of year is always full with activities and such I always pick out a few things to try and see if they bring myself and my loved ones joy.  Making the tomato sauce was very labour intensive from start to finish.  I've learned from this experiment how much I'm willing to dedicate to tomatoes next year.  Applesauce is also labour intensive but we've come to love the flavour of our sauce better than that we buy at the store.  The key this year will be to make enough to last us through the winter. 

The component of preserving the harvest that I find to be the most spiritual is the link I feel to my ancestors while doing it.  Certainly as Samhain is just around the corner and the veils thin as the days shorten this work stirs their blood within me.  For all of our modern lives and conveniences of the 21st century everyone needs to eat.  Through the actions of growing, harvesting, preparing and consuming food we are the most human, the most connected with our mother, the most at the mercy of her grace, and the blessing that another season of bounty will come again.

lucky seven

Well the little man's seventh month was all about moving and teething it seemed.  Chesty coughs ushered in teeth and the third pushed through and seemed to herald the reality of a baby wanting to eat.  When this guy was hungry watch out, he means business.

It was especially important for Mama to have something for him to munch on if big brother was eating or the temper flared...as with month six though the big smiles were prevalent.  Mr. 25 pounds was a happy guy.

Rolling was also very popular in month seven, once sitting was mastered it wasn't long before he threw himself down and rolled to where ever he felt he needed to be.  Sitting still was a rarity but could happen if brother was willing to entertain or Dada captured his attention with Zoom Zoom.

As the leaves fell the boy decided to learn to crawl.  Military style.  And seven flew by in a flash of baby giggles, swift transitions, and drooly kisses.

snippets

The days have been blurring into one another these last few weeks.  So I thought I'd share some snippets as a memory jogger for the future.

Halloween night and our pumpkins

our tired out baby bee

The leaf strewn path by our home

and our altar to our loved ones on the other side

These last few days have felt just as hectic but somehow there have been moments, snippets for a little of this:

That has brought some quiet to my mind.  Tonight I'm off for a second round of Mama alone time in two weeks and Friday I will have some time to focus on some sewing thanks to my Mother-in-law.  Remembering to breathe is always apropos here.

fall tradition

 After a wonderful thanksgiving with friends and family and food it seems that I'm thinking lots about tradition and how the boys will remember their childhoods.  Certainly our annual trek to gather pumpkins and apples will hold fondness for them.  The first year we visited this farm I was pregnant with Kyan, the next he couldn't stand up on his own yet and we propped him up with pumpkins.  We had hay ride hysterics the following year and last year we shared the trek with my parents on their visit and I was pregnant with Elliott.

All the boys loved our excursion and obviously pumpkins are very popular around here being orange, part of Halloween festivities and being the perfect kind of pie filling. (a rival to rhubarb in my taste buds but not to Ky's)

With many that I love far away I find I appreciate the times I get to spend with friends and family that are here all the more.  I try and cherish these moments and despite the fact that it can be hard to get my butt in gear to make the hour long drive it is always worth it.  I came away from this day grounded in a way that only picking your own fruits can do.  Interacting with the trees, watching the wasps fly around us in crazy fall frenzies, feeling a part of the hoards of parents and children having their farm experience and at the same time feeling separate from them.  

Cherish is the word that keeps floating through my head.  Cherish friends who are more like siblings, cherish food grown by local farmers, cherish fall as it sweeps the earth clean before her winter rest, and present opportunities for the young ones to cherish the things you do as another year goes round.

a collection of days

In the span of 20 days:

 September 2nd

September 9th

September 20th

September 22nd

When Autumn comes she comes, not a moment too soon or late.

to bed with you

I've had a plan to make a harvest table runner for 2 years now.  Last year I washed this piece of fabric in preparation but I had no idea what to do with it after that. 

As Autumnal Equinox approached I hatched an idea of what I'd like to do.  Embroider two words on yellow fabric and attach them at either end.  After getting Gratitude done I thought I'd also like to do some relief transfer with leaves and fabric paint onto the plain yellow.  I thought it would give another dimension to the piece.  And this is as far as I got...

I pressed some leaves and started the A for Abundance.   Having all of three harvest celebrations (not including Thanksgiving) I thought I might get further but I guess it was not to be.  So now this project is folded up nicely and placed back on the shelf to slumber through winter, spring and summer until the fall leaves turn again.  I just can't bring myself to work on seasonal projects in the wrong season.  Not to mention that I have a thousand other projects that I'd love to be doing as well.  But I have the distinct impression that next year at this time we will have enjoyed our fall table runner and it won't matter one bit that it took me three years to make it.

Food: Revisited

October has brought us some reassurances, one of these is my renewed interest in the kitchen.  The first trimester and moving was tough and I avoided cooking and baking for the most part.  We still miraculously ate three meals and day and snacks but I was not fully present in my kitchen tasks to say the least.  This week has been a bit hit and miss as well.  Like despite getting groceries on Saturday I felt like there was no food on Monday....time to pay a bit more attention while shopping I think.  It seems my mind likes to wander around aimlessly these days.   But in whether in or out of the fog I've put together some interesting meals and snacks and my fridge-top freezer is getting a bit cramped but I plan to get as much food in there as I can before this babe joins us.  Here is what we've got so far:

-My mom made two lovely turkey pies from our leftover thanksgiving turkey carcass.  All I'll have to do is cook some veggies and make some biscuits and dinner will be served.

-Last week I took advantage of the lower price of organic cranberries and made these muffins.  I substituted butter for the oil and for the second batch added chocolate chips which cut the tartness of the cranberries.  Really yummy.

-I managed to freeze two small bags of corn niblets.  They won't last long around here but at least we have a little bit of late summer to enjoy as the colder months approach.

-This week we enjoyed this chicken recipe from Fields and Fire.  I loved the taste of the chicken drippings on the veggies.  I have not mastered our oven yet though so the timing was a bit off.  I'll get it eventually.

-For a friend's visit on Wednesday I made some simple tea biscuits and we spread raspberry jam on them.  It was simple and yummy.

-Another occupant of our freezer is half of our flour order from Urban Grains.  This was my first CSA experience and I'm excited to try out the rye flour for some bread. 

-And for the Samhain ritual and Spiral dance I attended last Sunday I made some molasses cookies which are an old family recipe.   It seemed fitting to use an old recipe when eating after celebrating and grieving the dead.

I'll share our Halloween and Samhain activities with you later on this weekend.  Have a lovely time with your tricks and treats everyone.