Lessons in Letting Go

One aspect of this life stage (childrearing, late 30's) that never ceases to catch me off guard is the radical push that your sense of comfort gets.  Whether it is waking at all hours of the night, freezing on the sidelines of a rainy soccer game, or dealing with a gut wrenching emotional struggle that your 2nd grader is facing there are minutes, hours and days of discomfort.

One such event for me has been my boy's foray into the snowboarding world.  Other than a handful of skiing and snowboarding afternoons I have never really felt a call to hurtle myself down mountains on slippery, stylishly decorated wood & fibreglass boards.  My husband loves it.  My boys declared this fall that they wanted to try it.  And so lessons were set up and next week is the last of 5 weeks worth.

Kyan now loves it too.  Which surprised me.  I was full of discomfort on the first day, watching him pull the snowboard with one foot, a determined look of struggle on his face.  Every part of me wanted to tell him to unstrap his foot and forget about it.  I expressed this only to Dave who kindly told me Kyan was doing great.  As for our 4 year old, perhaps he was too young to start.  That determination was not in him for this activity yet.  But in a few years we will revisit it and see if he will join in the fun with Dad and big brother or hang out with mama doing something else.

The lesson that has become more apparent to me as the boys have worked on lifting their toes up and getting off the chair lift, is that I must endure the discomfort.  I must stand there with my hands in fists at my side and not comment.  There are so many things that my kids do that other parents may cringe at if their kids were doing. I don't get that feeling about: playing in mud, swinging sticks around,  walking a bit too far ahead on the trail....no problem.  They'll be fine.  Strapping a board on your feet and heading down a steep incline covered in snow.....Oh, my.....

But as I watched Kyan last week I felt a small sense of peace.  His slow and methodical personality shone through as he descended the run.  And I knew that he was ok.  The tension in my body relaxed slightly and I remembered again to let go.  Does the mama bird feel that apprehension when her young-ling flies off for the first attempt in the air?  Parenting is a never-ending series of letting go and holding close.  Certainly it's not recommended for the faint of heart.

Delving Deeper

It is quite a miraculous thing that we humans change.  That just as we think it's all figured out everything breaks into a million pieces.  And we stand somewhat stunned and left to contemplate whether our ideas were illusions or simply a part of becoming more ourselves.
My journey as a spiritual being has followed many such paths of self exploration.  From the ground breaking discovery of my core as a pagan - through feminism and Goddess based art, to my years sharing circles and building ritual space and then having to reject that destination as I lost my way.
Though I have identified strongly with beliefs that I can only categorize as pagan I also feel at times inadequate using the word.  Reading blogs, listening to podcasts, and seeing the work of others makes me see my own failings, and creates a reluctance inside as to how to proclaim my values.
I think I could approach this hesitation in a myriad of ways: take classes, read more books, spend more time in community for in the flesh experiences.  I could seek outside myself and I do.
But in the end what good would that accomplish me if I ended up as I was before, at a dead end that felt painful to retreat from and left me aimless for a time?
Actually I think I am still aimless to a degree but slowly the answers I seek are coming to me.  They are deep inside, they were always there.  I don't think I have them all by any means.  But they are from my core.  They resonate at a level that I can hear.  I can wrap my arms around them and feel their truth.
On June's full moon I found a spell/dream board that I had created for myself around 12 years ago.  Reading it inspired a rather stream of consciousness recording of my core beliefs.  They are the basis for all that spirit means to me.  These words trace a line for me to follow along my spiral.  They do not require a buzzword label but still, to me they are undoubtedly pagan.

CONNECTION
-to self: my body, my dreams, my spirit & soul, yoga
-to earth: hiking, gardening, traveling, defending, honoring
-to all living creatures: respect, service, place in the cycle
-to those I love: nurturing, trust, giving, receiving
-to the universe: order, chaos, ancestors, guides

CREATIVITY
-to produce: art, craft, garden
-to channel: messages, ideas
-to nurture: learn, read, gather
-to share: art, ritual, celebration

CYCLES/FOUNDATIONS
seasons, moons, aging/growing, elements, nature, food

This list will evolve I'm sure.  Be fleshed out, with some things being given more time and energy depending on the time and place.  It is a starting point that feels authentic and raw which feels just where I need to be right now.
(My series on Commitment is an addendum to this piece.  It speaks to the practical side of these values and how I am processing this information as I work to bring it through.)

at the start (commitment 2)

 

Lessons unfold like flowers for us to find in life.  Often I'm sure we miss them, crumpling them beneath our feet, looking the other way instead, interpreting the message incorrectly or just denying it completely.  As this year began unfolding a lesson I had only touched the surface of  became blindingly clear: I have a discipline problem.  I'm sure to some degree many of us have this issue.  And certainly I have accomplished many things that prove my capacity to commit to something and see it finished.  But consistency is a problem, and despite my efforts to keep my focus  I began to confront myself with the excuses I've made and probably still make to keep me from achieving important goals.
It really hit home while I was reading Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcom Gladwell.  It's a great book which I recommend to anyone as it has lots of examples of real people and the circumstances surrounding their achievement of "success" or not.  I use quotations around success because I tend to balk at North American's cultural view of it.  I don't necessarily want what most people equate with success but it is a word I have used.  In fact I believe that in my high school yearbook I wrote that my goals in life were to be successful and happy.  Man, could I have been more vague? But really what does a 17 year-old know about life goals...anyway.  The basic formula that Gladwell put forth in his book is that one does not achieve a mastery of any skill without devoting a minimum of 10,000 hours to it. 
Back through my life I drifted thinking of the many times I did not practice the self-discipline one needs to master something.  Excuses, diversions, I had many.  I see them as the result of a rather sheltered life of security and ease.  Certainly no one's fault and I'm not complaining about having a good life but that I lacked a drive to push me beyond that comfort.  My dreams were important but I was not compelled to work more, do more, to risk my status quo. 
Confronting this in the mirror has been good for me.  It has allowed my carefully constructed view of my limitations to blow wide open.  Resentments I harboured towards the achievements of others were put into perspective: I should have worked harder.  Boxes I put myself into broke around me: I'm bad at math.  Actually I just didn't study or try to understand, I'd give up a math problem in a matter of minutes.  While those that saw them as a challenge persevered until they got the answer.
I am not holding myself over the coals here and berating my past choices.  Instead I'm breaking the chains of my own making that have held me back. 
I'll stop there for now and write more next time about what I'm doing about these goals, how I'm changing my patterns, and where the journey is unfolding as I uncover more of these chains.

love week

This week has been all about the love: coughing, up all night, feverish, and much more unpleasantness love.
We've had a sick baby and that is never fun for anyone.  Elliott is on the mend now after seeing three doctors, an x-ray, swabs, a blood test and finally discovering that his lungs need help in dealing with viruses. 
As you can imagine I've been stressed, emotional and testy.  Trying to comfort him during the distressing and invasive exams and through his discomfort with this nasty virus.
Kyan has been a trooper of a big brother, running to get me things and trying to be comforting in his way.

Amidst the chaos of many loads of laundry being left by the wayside as I rocked a feverish baby for most of the day and night we managed to celebrate hearts and love and each other.  Cookies were iced, valentines were handed out, gifts were exchanged and chocolate was consumed en mass. 
I'm grateful that things are sunnier and today I was able to have a warm shower and wash lots of the tension away from a hard week.  Love week for us became about health and how precious it is.  Love can heal but sometimes needs a little help too.

dreamers and doers

On a recent evening Dave put on The Strombo Show from January 15th of this year.  George Stroumboulopoulos was talking with a long time friend of his, Bob Mackowycz Jr. about their career paths and how they were such doers that they needed to remind themselves to dream.  They spoke about this at length and with a rather wistful nostalgia for their driven youth in which they worked crazy hours to propel themselves towards their future goals.  They saw themselves as doers; working hard, for long hours and becoming so "good" at living the life that they had created that they needed to make time to dream or challenge if you will, their patterns and habits.  The downside of their doer lives being that they would neglect the more intuitive parts of themselves, too busy to listen to their soul's voices that may be whispering to them.

This struck a cord with me and as George commented that he needed to be more of a dreamer I quipped that I do not have that problem.  In fact for most of my life I had the opposite problem; I was too much of a dreamer and not enough of a doer.  I could say that growing up in a rural area contributed to my dreamer state.  I spent hours in my room as a teenager, listening to music, drawing and imagining scenarios for my life.  Being a dreamer added to my t.v. addiction since I was able to imagine more future possibilities just by the flick of a switch.  I could be this, I could do that, I could meet....you get the drift.  I often tried things and did lots with school and friends but I certainly didn't have a drive to pursue my dreams at all cost.  Instead I waited for some magical day when all these ideas would manifest themselves.  And if there is one thing that I've learned in my 34 years it's that things practically never fall into your lap gift-wrapped and shining.  Instead you have to go and get them, work hard, try, fail, try again.  Push, nag, stop, start again.  In short you have to do it.

Being a dreamer is not bad or good or better.  Likewise with being a doer.  They are just different and can really change the way your life progresses.  An example of this can be found in Marion Fowler's book The Embroidered Tent: Five Gentlewomen in Early Canada.  Fowler describes the difference between Catherine Parr Traill and Susanna Moodie, sisters who both immigrate to Canada from England and make a go of it in the wilderness.  Catherine being the doer learns the trades of a pioneer housewife and deals with her fears and misgivings by mastering all she can control in her surroundings.  Susanna on the other hand is a dreamer, a romantic who revels in the solitude of the wilderness but fails to become a doer in her early attempts.   She struggles with her desire to dream and the expectations placed on her by her circumstances.

That push and pull makes a dreamer struggle in such a doer world.  Dreaming big is important to our souls and has brought many of the greatest inventions and art into this world, but dreaming can also isolate and paralyze.  And if you are mostly a doer you often fail to connect to something internal and bigger than your immediate daily tasks.   Those little ideas that need time to blossom or need to be fed with beauty and time  can be stifled by to-do lists or an over-filled schedule.

How is the balance achieved?  I'm not sure.  The dreamer in me is still a huge part of who I am.  I wouldn't change that despite the things I could have achieved had I been more of a doer.  Being a mom is about constant doing but I struggle in many ways to be more of a doer.  To stop reading blogs, pinning on Pinterest, listening to podcasts and just do, be, live my life.  Be here now.  Dream big, but be here in this moment.  Make more food, make more art, read more books, play more games with the boys.... I better get to the doing.

Oh, and just because I felt it was improper to not include the quintessential dreamer in this post here is a video of my favorite Beatle singing Imagine live.
"...I'm not the only one..." 

Still so much to learn

We had a wonderful time with my parents in town.  We visited some sights and ate lots of good food with friends and family.  Kyan got lots of grandparent attention, Dave had a week off work, and I felt pampered.  There is something very comforting for me about having my parents close.  It is the security they instilled in me as a child that never goes away despite many years passing.  I continue to learn from them too.  Observation wise that is.  Luckily my parents are not overbearing, they offer advice only when asked to.  But what I learned by watching them this trip is something that I think I can really apply to my life: don't put off things that you can do right now.  My house lacks a pile up of recycling or dirty dishes (dishes due in part to us finally getting our dishwasher) but also because my parents would do the dinner pots and such right after.  Obviously 8 hands are faster than 2 so their help combined with Dave being home kept the house in much better order than I've managed for many months.  But I was struck by how much my procrastination adds to my work load.  While I think I'm resting and I'll have more time later I'm actually creating more work for myself later.
It is also much easier to fathom doing things promptly now that I'm well into the second trimester of pregnancy.  My moody blues are almost gone and energy is in higher supply.  But I want to apply this lesson to all parts of my life and see what it reaps.  I have a feeling that I'll really benefit from it in the long run, as will the whole family.