Wednesday, October 22, 2008

In the Land of Mommies

When you are a dreamer like me you think of lots of scenarios in your head. They play out so simply and usually have a lovely movie soundtrack as well. When I was pregnant I imagined play dates, and talking with...(insert name here) about sleepless nights and teething. The reality for me after 10 months of mommy-hood is different. I chat to my close friends with kids about these things, and my mom and mother-in-law too, but I don't really have any close mommy friends with babies Ky's age. I have tried, and the possibilities are still there that I'll become closer with some of the acquaintances I've made so far, but it seems that my friendship style is not conducive to Mommy land. Granted I've never made friends fast and furious the way some do. I guess I'm bad at small talk, and it seems especially mommy small talk.
"How old is he, oh is he walking yet?"
"Those are great shoes, where did you get them?"
"I attend this playgroup Monday and Wednesday and on Fridays we do Mommy boot camp!"
I really suck at that type of conversation. I don't mean to belittle anyone who is good at it. Some of my girlfriends are sooooo good at it. Give them 2 minutes in a crowd with a piece of gum stuck on their shoe and they have 3 phone numbers and a group hike scheduled for the next day.
My whole life I have had wonderful friends, but almost every friendship has taken time, conversations over tea, coincidences of running into someone on the way somewhere and having more conversation. I guess I just need one on one time. I need to bond with someone. Feel a soul connection maybe. A reason to talk beyond the weather...and in Mommy land you just don't have the luxury of time. For a while I felt a bit guilty about this. Will Ky suffer because I can't make other Mommy friends? Do I suffer because I lack the dreamed about "support group" that so many people said I needed prior to Ky's birth?
I don't think so. I have friends with kids, most are older but that's ok. I have a great family, who offer tons of support. As a homebody I love to putter around, and play with Ky, and I don't mind being the only adult until Dave gets home. And in a year or so when Ky starts to need friends, he will meet his friends, and I will either bond with the other mommies, or smile at him while I read on the park bench and marvel at how much he's grown.
I can't force myself to become a social butterfly if I'm not, and I will deal with the inevitable guilt that arises here and there with being a mom. The last thing I need is to put more pressure on myself. So if you're out there feeling bad about not having a mommy group to hang out with once a week, don't beat yourself up about it. These things take time, and while time is always short when you are a new mom, you are bound to find some friends as long as you keep trying.
And in the mean time there is nothing wrong with you and baby being your own play group. At least you don't have to talk about the weather.


mrsb said...

Wait til he goes to school. You'll have more mommy friends than you can shake a stick at.

silverstarsanctuary said...

I can relate to this exactly! I joined a stay at home mom group and never felt like I fit in. They were mostly talking about kids all the time and didn't seem to have anything else that was a passion for them to talk about. Then most of them were Christian too for some reason and that also left me out. Anyways, I eventually found a pagan moms group (on yahoo or meetup) and met a good friend there who is a mom and our daughters are now friends too! And yes when school starts that helps too. My daughter had a couple of friends and I really liked their parents too so we were able to get together a bit.


mrsb said...

Tag, you're it! Read my daily post (click on the haunted house) to find out more!

mighty jo said...

ive always been afraid of women--thanks to a misogynistic mom--& i just assumed that once i had kids & had that common bond...surely then i would succeed at that most elusive female friendship (men are easy to be friends with--they don't expect much--ha!) but here i am, mama of two & still just as much of an awkward social retard as ever!

mrsb said...

Jen, there is something on my daily update for you!