Pregnancy: reflections on growing two souls

Before I begin I'd like to share that I'm going to focus on the positive aspects of my two pregnancies in this post.  I want to make that clear because I felt guilty often while I was pregnant for not enjoying every part of it.  But in the interest of being honest about my experience for any woman yet to travel that path it was not all roses.  There is lots of magic in creating new humans but also lots of challenges and it is okay to not love all of it all the time.

I take the concepts of "know thyself" and "your body is your temple" as close to heart as I can.  They are a pillar in the fundamentals of my spirituality.  That is why as a pagan I feel immensely overwhelmed at times by the awesome power that nature has in the creation of life.  It amazes me to plant a seed and see it turn into a seedling and then a vegetable which I can eat.  I am amazed by the will of life, by how fragile it is, how particular and also how random it tends to be.  And so the fact that two human beings have lived inside me and were created by two of my eggs and my partner's sperm still blows my mind.  Nature is magnificent.

When I was the home to these two souls there were many crazy and emotional moments.  When I was in the moment it was very much about staying there.  With my first pregnancy, Kyan's, I remember rushes of energy.  My blood moving through my veins faster than usual.  Feeling attuned with everything around me, feeling a part of a bigger plan and power.  I was very grounded while he was with me.  I slept deeply and did not dream.  I felt round and earthy and rooted.  Interestingly he is an earth sign.  And having the pulse of that inside me did alter how I saw things for those 9 months.  I was always warm no matter the temperature.  I set up an alter dedicated to growing and fertility and motherhood as I imagined it to be.   I read this book, I read many more on breastfeeding, childbirth and mothering.  I took a spiritually focused pre-natal class and I searched for pagan books or articles relating to rituals during pregnancy(and didn't find much).  And I read hundreds of birth stories from women in all walks of life.

With Elliott's pregnancy there was little that was the same.  Having a different soul inside was indeed different.  He was born a water sign and that is the same as my own.  That made a huge difference.  He told me early on that he was a boy.  I dreamed intense and deeply.  His name was called out by a mother at a playground and was instantly the only boy name he could have.  I felt the desire to make art often which surprised me because my first pregnancy had taken all desire to create anything other than the baby away.  I kept things simple and celebrated Imbolc with his arrival a month and 16 days away.  There was less time to feel the magic in my body but there was also always someone there to share it with me.  A little hand on my belly outside and in.  Two souls, two lives to unfold around me.

The temple of my body grew my sons and now will create new ideas and new plans for me.  I know myself enough to feel that I will not again experience pregnancy's magic.  What a glorious gift it is, what a complex and ancient wisdom that it holds.  

Needlework in Magic

[updated July 4th, 2014 - as information regarding Marion Zimmer Bradley's sexual abuse of children has been revealed I am deeply distressed but will leave this post as it is.  Mists of Avalon was a work that I loved to read but I no longer endorse Bradley's work.  In no way do I feel her art makes up for committing sexual abuse or turning the other way when a loved one commits such acts.]

Many artists, myself included feel as if they are conduits for divine energy.  I do not separate my artwork from my spiritual practice because when I make art I connect to a deep soul place that resonates with both my artistic and spiritual self.

Spiritual artwork is brought forth in many forms and has been used to adorn magical objects and places for thousands of years.  In my case this work is created with a needle and thread.  Whether through embroidery, quilting or sewing functional objects with each stitch I try and connect with a deeper flow and sense the divine moving through my fingers.
One of the most eloquent and powerful descriptions of this can be found in Marion Zimmer Bradley's classic Mists Of Avalon.  Morgaine is a priestess of Avalon and is told to make the scabbard for Arthur's sword.  She enters into a ritual space where she will channel the Goddess and embroider spells to protect the sword's bearer in battle.

On the first day, she cut, using the sword itself, an undersheath of thin doeskin. It was the first time she had had fine tools to work with, and she took pleasure in the special iron needle she had been given to stitch the sheath together...

Fashioning the shapes of doeskin sheath and velvet to cover it, she spent the first day; and before she slept, deep in meditation of what she must do, almost a trance, she cut her arm a little and smeared the doeskin with her blood...

All that day, in silence, she worked, gazing into the chalice, letting the images rise, now and then stopping to wait for inspiration in the meditative flow; she worked the horned moon, so that the Goddess should always watch over the sword and guard the sacred blood of Avalon. She was so wrapped in the magical silence that every object on which her eyes gazed, every movement of her consecrated hands, became power for the spell; it seemed at times as if visible light followed her fingers as she followed the horned moon with the full moon, and then with the dark moon, for all things must follow in season...there were times when it seemed that needle and thread moved through her own flesh or through the flesh of the land, piercing earth and sky and her own blood and body...

By sunset of the third day it was finished, every inch of the scabbard covered with twining symbols, some of which she did not even recognize; surely they had come directly from the hand of the Goddess through her hands? She lifted it; slid the sword into it; weighted it in her hands; then said aloud, breaking the ritual silence, "It is done."

(Here is a visual rendition of this scene in the book) 

While I have never had an experience as grand as this telling the trance-like rhythm of needlework often carries me to a space that feels between.  As I look towards a future of making more time to create artwork I see this as a technique to develop not only for my art career but also for my spiritual practice and journey.

For fire and words

I wanted to share two blogs that I think are really interesting. One I happen to be a member of and that is 19 Candles for Brighid. This blog follows the journey of ones called to tend Brighid's legendary flame. There are several online sites dedicated to joining flamekeepers together. This one has been organized by Susan of The Magical Earth fame.

"One of the traditions that has reemerged to honor both the goddess [Brighid] and saint is that of tending her flame. Legend has it that the flame was begun in Kildare, possibly on the site of an ancient temple which then became a convent. The flame was tended by 19 priestesses then eventually nuns, and it is said that on the 20th day Brigid herself tended the flame. Later, the church decided that this ritual was too Pagan and had the fire extinguished." (source)

There are still a few spots left if you are called to tend the flame from a sunset to sunset. The flame can be an actual one or one you hold within. Posts are not made frequently but they are thoughtful ones.

The second blog is one I discovered last night. For anyone who loves books and voyeurism this one is for you! Seen Reading is the brainchild of writer Julie Wilson who lives in Toronto. Four authors from across Canada observe readers out in public. They note a physical description, the book title, the page and then quote that page. And then from that passage they write a short piece. So interesting. And a great way to promote reading and books. I also feel that it is a testimonial to how nosy we all are in public. What's that lady reading? I wonder if she likes that book...or maybe I'm just happy that I'm not the only one observing/gawking at others in public.

Art of the Month: September

Goddess and The Wheel, 2001, acrylic & embroidery on canvas

This is the inaugural edition of Art of the month. I thought it would be fun to share my past art and give myself reasons to keep producing(the motivation is often lacking).
This piece was in my graduation show from University. The image was inspired by the "fertility" Goddess images found all over the world like the Goddess of Willendorf. I found the metal circle and thought it would be fun to make a circular piece. I painted the image of the Goddess and embroidered eight section dividers to represent the wheel of the year. I've hung her in my bathroom and love that I get to look at her every morning. A co-graduate in the show loved this piece so much that she asked for a copy. I found a tiny brass ring and made her a smaller copy. So somewhere out there my friend Christine has her sister.