Thoughts on Lost In Living

The highlight of International Women's day this March 8th for me was the free online screening of Lost In Living a documentary film that confronts the contradictions inherent in personal ambition and self-sacrifice, female friendship and mental isolation, big projects and dirty dishes.  More specifically this film follows 4 artists over a period of 7 years.  2 are best friends embarking in motherhood for the first time and 2 are women in the later stages of life looking back on how they managed their families and careers.
I have waited a long time to watch this film with much anticipation.  And I was not disappointed.

What the filmmakers were able to capture so well was the profoundness of the change that occurs when you birth a baby and how in the aftermath you flounder and float simultaneously.  Unlike the women in this film I had not established an art career prior to having my boys so I didn't have the pressure of maintaining it during the most intense first years in babyland.  The complexity of moving back and forth from artist to mama is indescribable but is a struggle that all parents trying to feed their ambitions while raising children face.  What is different to me about being an artist and doing this and what the film really gets at is that the emotional and creative toll of making this type of work inevitably leaves casualties.  Whether they are your kids, your career ambitions or your sanity something has to take a back burner.  And when that happens there will be something left behind that may never present itself again.

The depth of the relationship between the two new moms really hit home for me as well.  Having a best friend that I am traveling this motherhood roller-coaster with has made a huge difference for me.  Our styles of mothering are not identical but compliment each other enough that we did not experience a long period of emotional  isolation from each other as Kristina and Caren did and I am grateful for that.

Marjorie and Merrill offered a perspective that gave me hope but also resonated the most deeply with me.  Hope emerged when I saw that they were still working and had grown families that more or less functioned and were successful.  What hit to my core was that Merrill's definition of success still eluded her.  One could not help but wonder if that was due to motherhood, was merely a product of her generation's lingering sexism, or had a wrong place wrong time randomness.  Regardless it left me with the truth that what will be will be and I will have to let my view of success remain fluid as I age.

Nothing was sugar coated, this is a film that tackles these issues head on and lets you watch 4 women make their choices and lie in the beds they've made.  Raw and personal it confronts the reality that mothers face when navigating the myriad of choices we are so privileged to have.

October Memories

 The first time we trekked out from the city to the country to pick apples and pose with pumpkins was 6 years ago.  The biggest guy in these pictures was only 2 and the second biggest guy was in my belly.  The next year we had two little ones and one on the way (actually only a month out).  Several years and subsequent visits later we brought the littlest one who decided to sample the dirt during his first pumpkin photo shoot.  And this October these pictures were taken of four rapidly growing boys.  In various stages of becoming men.

 The thing about tradition and growing up is that while we adults try and create memories we really can't.  Ultimately what the boys remember will depend on them, what is important to them, what they value, what sticks as odd or fun or silly.  It may be that I may cherish these outings way more than they ever do.  I acknowledge my part in that, my attempt to influence their childhood stories to reflect my own values and interests.

 There was no picture where they all looked at me and smiled.  Photographing 4 boys between the ages of 8 and 2...good luck my friend.  But in each one you can see a characteristic; the stoic leader, the mischievous one, the thinker with his heart on his sleeve, and the unpredictable wild card.  Each so close and yet miles away from the person they could be tomorrow or were yesterday.  

There are many definitions of family that ring true for me.  I don't hold one above all others because the path of my life has taught me that every type of family that we encounter whether we are born into in, make it ourselves or have it forced upon us shapes us and teaches us more about ourselves.  All I can hope for these 4 is that the family that they most certainly are gives them strength and deep love and acceptance that they can carry their whole lives.

The May Dance

A month of anticipation is May.  Building towards something, bursting forth with newness and light.  Our May was filled with new commitments, new blooms, new ideas, new strength.  I tried to take moments to appreciate the sun and rain.  So often I can be too absorbed by getting things crossed off my list or with the most recent breakdown in communication between a 5 and 2 year old to just exist.

Yoga helps me with this.  And the building of my spiritual practice will help with that as well.  I was lucky to celebrate Beltaine to start off the month and the tradition of those involved and the things we did to mark the day felt good.  A steady, warm place.  A place of connection between souls as the ribbons went around the pole.

There have been notes jotted down, and sketches drawn.  I've found a spring rhythm and yet summer comes knocking soon.  The sensation that fills me most days is one of waiting as a door is slowly swung open to reveal a lush landscape ahead.

I have to navigate the path, stopping often to check the status of myself and my loves.  We walk together though we are different seekers on the journey.  May heralds a time to dance for a while and then reflect.

from the January quiet

Pulling back from this space was an interesting break in January (er....most of February...)  I felt a certain shift where the impulse to post dwindled and the change has brought me to new horizons in creative practice.  Mainly that this writing will become more of a companion to my visual work, and less reflective of the outside world.

As for sharing about my family and our journey together they will be here as ever, since my world is tied in every aspect to each step they take.  Steps like registering from Kindergarten in the fall, stringing sentences together, drawing 3 or more masterpieces a day and leaving them in strategic places to be found by respective recipients.  Words are being figured out and written, as are numbers.  Conflicts arise between brothers with a bond so strong already that it warms the heart over and over each day.

Sometimes it takes years to register just how much choice we have over our time.  For me I've been able to see clearly in the last few months that I have to prioritize my goals in a concrete way.  What I tended to do for the last 5 years was lament and then waste time on things that were diversions more than enriching experiences.

As a mom my time is rarely dictated by myself alone, and yet I have started to align tasks for each day.  Thinking what needs to get done and what can wait.  Sometimes I make a list and cross it off, other times I keep a shorter list in my head.  This simple step has helped me especially on days when I'm overwhelmed by the amount to get done.

I've also been trying to take my own advice and focus on one thing until it is done.  I constantly remind a certain 5 year old to focus on the task at hand, get your coat on, clean these cars up, etc and then think of the next thing to do.  It is not easy for me since I have a "big picture" brain that jumps around constantly.  But   with that focus has come a comfort, something is accomplished however small.  Previously I was surrounded by projects in various stages of completion and two boys undoing most of what was done.

Live and learn they say...and in this case it is true.

From the January quiet much has surfaced.  A regular yoga routine and soon family hiking excursions.  Simultaneously this year I have decided to develop my art practice to a regular part of our family life, and already for next year I've decided that my spiritual practice (along with spirituality explorations for the boys) will find it's place in the rhythm as well.

Stamina is a word that February has brought forth.  How to increase it, how to maintain it, how to nurture it. Good food, exercise, outdoor time, family time.  As the pieces come together some parts of our old life do not fit and so are either removed or reshaped to fit the new mold.

This blog is like that for me.  Being remolded, finding a new place and tone.  And I think that is good.  Change is good.  Thanks for taking this journey and I plan to be here more frequently now that our new pace is settling down and my desire to share is finding it's new voice.