Big like Spring

As the light has been increasing in minutes each day I have felt more topsy turvy than usual. Does one become more sensitive to change as one ages? I seem to remember feeling much more focused at this time of year in the past. I guess it can be attributed to a different season of family life. A time when each of the four members of our family need our own time. I no longer steal moments for myself but rather schedule dedicated time. I can link the increasing light to my own increase in personal priority which often feels wrong. Mothers are notoriously bad at taking time for themselves without guilt. I honestly don't understand why but feel it just the same.
In January I began to meet with some wonderful women to venerate the full moon.  Marking this time for myself has been a balm to the soul.  Learning has blossomed; acceptance, peace, trust.  Meeting others where they stand and just being, such a gift. It could not have been at another stage of parenting, not with this level of maturity.  I am grateful to have this companionship and right now it encompasses most of my spiritual life.
Last week Elliott lost his first tooth.  I can compare the feeling of children growing to standing inside a tornado.  You are in the calm middle watching as the winds rush around you.  It is impossible to stop them, they offer you brief moments of beauty, pain, laughter, fear...but there is no stopping the movement.
The emotional challenge of right now leaves me feeling overwhelmed but I just keep going.  There is no other option.  I hope that some clarity will come, a path will open up and be less unknown or covered in brambles.  Other parents seem to have things aligned better but I know that really we all struggle. We all work hard to put one foot in front of the other and chart the unknown journey of our own life. To carry the weight of our own desire while balancing the day-to-day and do all this without maps. It feels big right now. Big like Spring in the growing light.

Growing up with Art

The past few years has seen a decline in the amount that I blog about my kids.  I've noticed this happening on quite a few blogs as the genre has evolved over the past ten years.  As your children get older it seems a bit off to relay their day to day life.  It's as if the details are no longer yours to share but rather belong to the child.  Who knows if, as they age they will want every little detail of their childhood posted for the world to see.  So if I'm going to post something now, I think long and hard about it and I hope that when I do talk about our lives the boys will one day enjoy looking it over and not feel that I over-shared.

An opportunity presented itself last fall for the Garden Club of our school to participate in a public art project.  A new Whole Foods Market opened in our city and we painted the metal "birds" pictured here to be on permanent display in the Whole Foods Cafe.  Kyan has always loved making art and we were able to paint these two birds together.  He decided on the design of white with a grey circle and grey with a white circle.  I loved his graphic choice and simply helped him paint them.  

The influence of parents onto their kid's interests manifests itself in many different ways.  I look back on my own upbringing and see my mother's craft & design pursuits and my father's participation in community to have been influences on my personality.  I see art as part of my influence.  The boys have been to my art show openings, they see me sewing all the time.  We draw together, we see art exhibits together and they both state to who ever may ask them what I do that I am not only their mother but also an artist.  I have no idea how this will manifest later in their lives; if they will be art supporters, makers or enthusiasts, but I feel grateful that I can share my passion with them and that it is a part of our family life every day.

November Myth

When I contemplated what I would write about this month's word: Myth, I was baffled for quite some time.  So as we creep halfway through December I now feel ready to sort it out somewhat and lay it down for posterity.

Rather than using the "traditional story" definition of myth I am thinking of the "widely held but false belief or idea" version of the word.  And specifically I'm referring to the myth(s) we tell ourselves about ourselves.  We form stories from birth as our understanding increases.  Other people can break or contribute to the myths we create for ourselves.  These myths can often limit our capacity to change.  And I've held many that broke this year.

One such myth was that I lacked drive to pursue a career.  This year drive burst out if me with a vengeance  and I feel like I crushed several beliefs that I had created about how much time I actually have to make art.

I will hold this year as a marker, a place that revealed many ideas I had about my core that were false.  Perhaps they just could not emerge sooner than now.  37 was when they were supposed to become a part of me.  It certainly is true that age gives one the gift of understanding more about ourselves.  Or maybe it lets our constructed myths crack enough for us to consider other possible realities for who we are.

I have teachers around me, people that love me, who have helped these cracks open up as well.  Challenging me to let go of rigid ideas of myself that are outdated or that limit my growth as a human.  I am grateful for those lessons despite the fact that they can be painful to learn.

As I reach further than I ever have towards putting the pieces of my life puzzle together the coming year feels like a chance to push harder than before.  At this point I feel that I have to potentially overreach in order to understand where the balance or sweet spot is.  And the sweet spot will probably change more often than not but we will just have to adapt to that.

A human trait if ever there was one.

October the Harbinger

(photo taken by Elliott)

As this year winds down; days getting shorter while the cold creeps closer, I try and hear the herald of winter and just be.
Today I put my small garden to rest, Kyan is home from school with his first cold of the season.  The sun was out and the crisp morning was perfect for trimming the raspberry canes and the stems of faded Lady's Mantle blossoms.   Our home is slowly coming back together after several room renovations.  The process of refreshing after 5 years in this home is fulfilling but made October far from stress free.

There were a few traditions missed, we picked no apples and put out minimal Halloween decorations.  But in the spirit of doing our best with the situation at hand we still made the most of the seasonal fun.

I look forward to the Yule season this year as a time to decorate and make the most of our inside space although living in such a temperate climate we are able to be outside all year (as long as we don't mind the rain)

Dancing the Spiral at Reclaiming's Samhain ritual felt like a complete renewal of my body at the cellular level.  I find that I have become more open to the energy raised each year.  When I leave the ritual space I feel new, almost reborn and that energy carries me through the darkening.  In fact I crave that renewal and look forward to immersing myself in the winter season to come.  Perhaps being an autumn baby adds to the power of this time.  38 bares little problem for me, unlike how I felt last year as my 37 birthday approached.  Looking back on the past 10 months I see why I felt so uneasy last year.  It was a year of change and lessons, a harbinger of growth and things I didn't want to accept.  It may be something I'll reflect more on next month.

Intuit August

A new word to me, intuit means: to understand or work out by instinct.  I think that may be an overall theme of my whole life as I rarely use other means of figuring out my days as a mom or as an artist.
I'm sure most of us do use our instinct often but it is just not articulated when we do.

August was full and the fall is shaping up to be busy.  Despite my resistance to a fast paced life it seems that with a family of four people making their best possible life it's just inevitable.  As the family manager so to speak I hover about co-ordinating schedules and making timetables, yesterday it left my head spinning. 

But as Dave is trying to keep his fitness up he suggested an after dinner walk.  I was resistant at first  because it's a bath night, we need to get the boys back on school bedtime routine, etc, etc, but instinct took over and told me that I needed that walk. The rain drenched paths, leaves strewn about by a weekend wind storm (fallen trees from that wind storm even) all of this would calm my mind and be good for us all.  It was more than pleasant, it was healing.

 So bedtime was a bit late, but we'll get back onto the routine eventually.  And the future renovations to our home, soccer schedules, work trips, art show exhibitions to apply for,  community plays to rehearse, all of it will fall into place or not.  Our health, our well-being and connection to nature, must have priority over all of the minutia that fills or days.  Our instinct tells us so. 

Monday Around Here

 After some teasing from friends about my Instagram photos and the illusion that social media can convey about our lives being one lovely moment of leisure, I thought I'd do a photo post today sharing our Monday so far and describing the reality just outside the frame.

Our weekend was spent mostly going through our storage room and getting odd jobs finished around the house.  This process goes so much faster when Dave and I do it together.  But that left little time for some time in the studio.  This is a small glimpse at a section of my studio wall today.  It changes quite frequently, along with my mood and inspiration.

  

Looking out our bedroom window at the trees and my happy spider plant. This week promises some more hot days and I welcome that because I'm not ready for summer to slip away just yet.

 

 The boys had a laid back morning in their pj's, playing Lego.  Behind is an ice cream shop complete with a parking lot and bench, and the smaller front creation is one of Elliott's new "secret Lego sets"

In the kitchen there is little besides mess to show, but I focused on this bowl of peaches patiently waiting to become jam, and the very ripe Roma tomatoes the rest of which Dave and I enjoyed in a salad last night.

The living room as usual is full of toys in various states.  The easel was brought up from the storage room and quickly covered with art work and letter practicing.

And the balcony is all disheveled as I deal with the aftermath of a rat infestation (oh, please don't ask) so I focused on these lovely Calibrachoa Sweet Chimes which attract humming birds and are the sole surviving plant out there right now.  At the end of this week I hope to have taken back the patio and have it set up to enjoy the last few weeks of warm weather.

Monday, not manic just steady.  And always a little more going on than what the picture reveals. 

When words won't do....

It all comes at once...the lesson of this year so far.  The good, the bad, the ugly....there is not a separation. It is all jumbled together whether you like it or not.
In a few days we fly east, pause and then fly east again.  The pause will bring celebration and mourning.  Which doesn't seem to fit but again it must.  And sometimes words just won't describe the bittersweet nature of this life.

May Mystery

The mystery of May is which word best describes the breakneck pace with which it advanced.  Mayhem, madness and masochistic would suit I think.  Phew.  I'll take a breath now that it's almost over. 
Much of the month was fun and celebration, and of course as life tends to present itself there was (and continues to be) much sadness and stress. 
Our countdown to our England trip looms in the distance and as excited as I am I am still not in a position to plan too much or even make my top 5 list of places to visit.  There is still a long list of things to do, finish, and prepare just in our day-to-day.  I can't say I'm great at approaching life at this speed but regardless I either have to run or miss the train. 
As all of this stuff of four lives lived together zooms around us the boys are growing as quickly as the spring plants.  The reality of their changing selves strikes chords with me daily.  How can the time move so fast?  With each little baby I hold I see how un-little my boys are, while simultaneously shaking my head at how much there is to watch unfold inside them before they exit my daily influence.
Am I recording the sweetness of now?  For their benefit but mostly for my own....I'm not sure how successful I am at that. 
Today a girl I have know since she was born turns 13.  And it literally feels like it was a blink in time.  May's mystery...the stunning dash of our children as they grow.  I'll take a breath again and sit with that for a while.

April Outside

Last weekend we visited a wonderful organization's open house.  O.W.L which stands for Orphaned Wildlife Rehabilitation Society rescues injured birds (mostly raptors) and houses ones that can not re-enter nature and releases ones that have healed.

 Turkey Vulture.

  A Barred Owl.  We think an owl like this may be nesting near our home.  

We have seen her/him 3 times now.

And the climax of the day was the release of this juvenile bald eagle.  He was saved by a BC Hydro worker after being caught in a power line.  It was very moving to hear his story and witness this bird's release back into the wild.

There are so many people that dedicate their time to worthy causes, this is just one of many.  Supporting such brilliant work is a great way to send a family day outside.

a few of his favorite things

On Monday the youngest member of our family turned 4.  When one is the youngest I think it is often the case that you do lots of things for others.  Waiting around for others, parties for others, activities based on the interests of others... so over the weekend we tried to do things that were just for the birthday boy.  And here are a few of Elliott's favorite things:

Lego Anakin Skywalker birthday cake

Pony rides

 Corn

Strawberry ice cream

Happy Birthday to a boy who knows what he likes. :)

February: Love

Our weekend was quiet and yet things were accomplished.  Small things that are making myself and I dare say us all happy.  We are moving more.  Soccer together, bike riding, walking.  Glorious winter weather with little rain (so far) is helping this to happen.  And art making is happening too.  Which always does me good.  There is no shortage of love here.  And we keep things like Valentine's Day simple for the sake of sanity.

 
Despite the frequent purges to "stuff" that seems to gather around us I always find more to pass on. While doing a recent purge I decided to use some cup hooks to create a necklace display/storage solution in my closet.  And it makes me happy to look at it and I actually wear my necklaces more often.  It's the little things, it really is.

Summer 2014

Summer lasted quite a long time for us this year.  Both in weeks due to our teachers being on strike and in weather (we were swimming outdoors on the third Saturday in September!)

But with the Autumnal Equinox school and therefore our fall schedule proper has begun.  And I think it's time I dusted this blog off a bit and updated all the goings on of the summer.  There were lots of them.  Travel, camping, swimming, gardening, sewing (for me), Lego (for the boys) and growing both in bodies and in minds.  It was full in other words.  And a good summer in many ways.

bye bye sugar

I've had at least a dozen posts float in and then out of my head these last weeks.  Many sounded really good in my head and then faded into a foggy recollection minutes later.  Often they were rants of one sort or another as I struggled through these last days of Elliott being 2,  praying that 3 is better, while trying to examine how I'm contributing to the issues the two of us face together.  How can we argue this much in one day?  What can I change, how can I expand my horizon and make this work for us both?
 Often it comes down to the little things in parenting, doesn't it?

So I began with one issue at a time.  Sleep being the most important.  About two months ago sleeping through the night 5 out of 7 times a week turned into up every night, sometimes several times.  Needless to say a tired mama is not a patient problem solving mama.  So this week I've begun an experiment in diet to see if "treats" were the culprit.  I've noticed a difference already.  So Elliott and refined sugar are taking a break from each other.  And he wasn't even eating lots of sugar at all, but just small amounts were really making him have mood swings.  So sugar is out for now.
And next I've established some set activities that we do together while Ky is at school and even when everyone is home.  Reading is a perfect transition for him from screen time to play.  And activity books help him focus so we are doing them more.  Kyan was a very independent child and Elliott needs more direction and that is a lesson mama took a while to absorb.  Luckily he didn't give up trying to show me.
 

As always nature, nature, nature helps us too.  A huge snowstorm helped add some outdoor adventure to our week.  I'm hoping our family mojo will stay positive until spring break in three weeks.
As we approach 3 it heralds a welcome transition for me.  I know mamas are supposed to be sad that their baby is no longer...but while E was an adorable babe he was not easy.  I think he has yet to hit his stride and I have yet to hit my stride as his parent but we'll get there together.

October Memories

 The first time we trekked out from the city to the country to pick apples and pose with pumpkins was 6 years ago.  The biggest guy in these pictures was only 2 and the second biggest guy was in my belly.  The next year we had two little ones and one on the way (actually only a month out).  Several years and subsequent visits later we brought the littlest one who decided to sample the dirt during his first pumpkin photo shoot.  And this October these pictures were taken of four rapidly growing boys.  In various stages of becoming men.

 The thing about tradition and growing up is that while we adults try and create memories we really can't.  Ultimately what the boys remember will depend on them, what is important to them, what they value, what sticks as odd or fun or silly.  It may be that I may cherish these outings way more than they ever do.  I acknowledge my part in that, my attempt to influence their childhood stories to reflect my own values and interests.

 There was no picture where they all looked at me and smiled.  Photographing 4 boys between the ages of 8 and 2...good luck my friend.  But in each one you can see a characteristic; the stoic leader, the mischievous one, the thinker with his heart on his sleeve, and the unpredictable wild card.  Each so close and yet miles away from the person they could be tomorrow or were yesterday.  

There are many definitions of family that ring true for me.  I don't hold one above all others because the path of my life has taught me that every type of family that we encounter whether we are born into in, make it ourselves or have it forced upon us shapes us and teaches us more about ourselves.  All I can hope for these 4 is that the family that they most certainly are gives them strength and deep love and acceptance that they can carry their whole lives.

Shapes of September

 

September was of course a lesson in adaptation for us.  Kyan going to Kindergarten was the whole scope of the month.  A little getaway with friends, a soccer routine to get into....and weather that was just steady.

Can it be that almost 4 months have passed since this new routine came about?  And while we are not old pros yet we certainly have a rhythm that wasn't overly disruptive to our lives.

Kyan likes school.  He does well with the schedule and while he is more tired as seasoned parents always say happens that first year, he takes it all in stride.  The transformation has been positive.  I see his confidence growing, his ability to adapt is better and his learning capacity is impressive.  We have yet to get a report card, but I don't feel I need to read it to understand how he's doing.

What I see and what he exhibits is very promising for a school experience that enriches him.  But as with everything we'll just take it one day at a time.

Peeking around corners

There are small spaces in our days.  Tiny windows into our world that I often notice but move past quickly.  As the time approaches for Kyan to enter Kindergarten I have tried to notice them more.  To stop and really appreciate them.  Because as much as life expands with school, so too will it change.  This boy will be molded by his surroundings, just as his brother will have a different experience being home alone with mama.
Here are three moments from one day last month.  A perfect, ordinary day, this summer of 2013.

June Dreams

Even though July is nearing its end I have yet to post about that ever strange and tumultuous month of June.  This year it did not fool me.  I hoped that perhaps it would bring the sun but only a few days shone.  Some so brightly that it was overwhelming.  But not here...

 
Halfway through June I flew many miles with one of my best friends to be in the same room with my ultimate icon Joni Mitchell.  If you are new here, well I've mentioned her before once or twice.

Not only did we listen to her talk for a glorious hour and a half, absorbing all those things that you can only do in person; mannerisms, facial expressions etc. but we also spent an entire 36 hours together without the four boys that we brought into the world.

Talking without interruption, browsing art galleries, tea shops, gift stores and one very lovely fabric store.
So this June brought with it a whirlwind dream for me in the midst of chicken pox, summer camp and jet lag.
Looking back on the month, it was filled to the brim.  Finally seeing the Les Mis stage production, Elliott having his first sleepover at Grandma's, it was busy.
And in moments of stress I go back there, to that small 36 hours away, trying to feel that freedom, trying to remember that feeling of elation in my stomach as Joni walked on stage in her simple and authentic way.
What a memory to have, and I am so grateful to the guy that made it all happen.  Luckily I get to see him everyday and I know that in the future we can share some more big dreams together.

The May Dance

A month of anticipation is May.  Building towards something, bursting forth with newness and light.  Our May was filled with new commitments, new blooms, new ideas, new strength.  I tried to take moments to appreciate the sun and rain.  So often I can be too absorbed by getting things crossed off my list or with the most recent breakdown in communication between a 5 and 2 year old to just exist.

Yoga helps me with this.  And the building of my spiritual practice will help with that as well.  I was lucky to celebrate Beltaine to start off the month and the tradition of those involved and the things we did to mark the day felt good.  A steady, warm place.  A place of connection between souls as the ribbons went around the pole.

There have been notes jotted down, and sketches drawn.  I've found a spring rhythm and yet summer comes knocking soon.  The sensation that fills me most days is one of waiting as a door is slowly swung open to reveal a lush landscape ahead.

I have to navigate the path, stopping often to check the status of myself and my loves.  We walk together though we are different seekers on the journey.  May heralds a time to dance for a while and then reflect.