Friday, April 29, 2016
Big like Spring
As the light has been increasing in minutes each day I have felt more topsy turvy than usual. Does one become more sensitive to change as one ages? I seem to remember feeling much more focused at this time of year in the past. I guess it can be attributed to a different season of family life. A time when each of the four members of our family need our own time. I no longer steal moments for myself but rather schedule dedicated time. I can link the increasing light to my own increase in personal priority which often feels wrong. Mothers are notoriously bad at taking time for themselves without guilt. I honestly don't understand why but feel it just the same.
In January I began to meet with some wonderful women to venerate the full moon. Marking this time for myself has been a balm to the soul. Learning has blossomed; acceptance, peace, trust. Meeting others where they stand and just being, such a gift. It could not have been at another stage of parenting, not with this level of maturity. I am grateful to have this companionship and right now it encompasses most of my spiritual life.
Last week Elliott lost his first tooth. I can compare the feeling of children growing to standing inside a tornado. You are in the calm middle watching as the winds rush around you. It is impossible to stop them, they offer you brief moments of beauty, pain, laughter, fear...but there is no stopping the movement.
The emotional challenge of right now leaves me feeling overwhelmed but I just keep going. There is no other option. I hope that some clarity will come, a path will open up and be less unknown or covered in brambles. Other parents seem to have things aligned better but I know that really we all struggle. We all work hard to put one foot in front of the other and chart the unknown journey of our own life. To carry the weight of our own desire while balancing the day-to-day and do all this without maps. It feels big right now. Big like Spring in the growing light.