There are many more poetic names for April's moon: Pink moon, Sprouting Grass moon, Egg moon....but at this moment Restless is all I can call it. After two nights in a row of disturbed sleep, tossing, crying, calling out, strange dreams, I'm a little on the grumpy side.
This month has been great in terms of weather, we've planted some seeds, watched some grow bigger than their little pots, started soccer, singing and swimming. The boys have taken a cue from the seedlings and are growing and eating like crazy. The events in Boston, Texas and family emergencies have been overwhelming and emotional.
The fullness of this time of life comes up often. Full schedules, full heads, the fullness of life being reborn with the spring. I'm trying to take concrete steps to keep us flowing with this but the month has left both Dave and I and probably the boys too feeling tired and slow to adjust to the longer days of light.
My new artwork schedule has been put in place and is rewarding beyond words. Having set aside that time to just make art and let out the images or words that build up inside out of my head, along with a weekly yoga practice and time in nature feeds my soul. I feel like a more whole person; like the pieces of me that have been on the back burner have equal footing.
With this change comes transitions that are contributing to the restlessness though. Weaning Elliott, I remember it not being easy and overall it is going very well. But there is a certain cry he'll make at night when he really just wants to nurse but I've already given him his scant allotment of two short sessions and it is just so forlorn. It makes me so sad. That cry cuts right to my guts, pulling out guilt and sorrow for the baby stage that is soon to go and will never be seen again by us. It is really such a personal thing between him and I, a journey begun at his birth, somewhat of an extension of the pregnancy itself in that only the two of us share it. I can only hope that we are moving at a pace that is sensitive to his development and that once this season of our bond comes to an end it will fade into his unconscious like it did with his brother in such a way that Kyan has no memory of nursing beyond the physical closeness that we shared which he continues to experience through hugs and cuddles.
Change, transitions, new green, sprouts, sunshine, rain, restless birthing spring.