The Urge to Share

This year's blogging break has been quite a cathartic change for me.  I want to send a quick thank you to those of you who are still reading along.  I can't say that things will get more frequent here, but I will say that when there is something I need to share it will be recorded here.

Last year I experienced a wonderful renewal at Autumnal Equinox and I think this year has brought the same freshness to my perspective.  The coming of the rain brings insights into my journey.  They are not always clear or wrapped nicely for me to discover.  In fact they are often at the bottom of a pile that requires me to sit and slowly evaluate and discard things one by one.  But what I am grateful for is the chance to move through the pile at my own pace.

Launching my art career has is now coming upon a year mark.  It was last year that I discovered an opportunity and followed my instincts.  Now I am about to pick up my work from my second show this year with 2 or 3 more (hopefully) to come before the calendar year ends.  My mind is slightly blown from how life moves when things are falling into place.  It feels really good, really right for this moment in time.  I am building something for myself along with building for my family.

So my health goals and career goals are on track now.  As for my spiritual goals...well they are still sitting in a corner of my mind.  I see them and their importance is not lost on me.  They call, I hear them.  In this moment I struggle to find a place for them.  I struggle to find words for them, while at the same time my continual refusal to name something so deep and personal still surfaces.  For now, well, they wait.   I know that they will find their place in my life when the opening happens.  By opening I mean that life will find a space as it has before.  That the seasons of our world are reflected in the movement through our days and we must accept that the pace of the dance is not ours to control.

There is more, so much to share.  Thoughts, new stages, new opportunities.  All in their own time.

Sunny July

Literally the sunniest July on record we had not one drop of rain.  Our family had some glorious views both as a foursome and as a twosome. Dave and I had a getaway for two for the first time in 5 years.  There were beach visits galore, swimming classes, deadlines, a wedding, and lots of lovely heat.  It almost felt like summer was bottled up into a month, but at least we made the most of it this year.   

Peeking around corners

There are small spaces in our days.  Tiny windows into our world that I often notice but move past quickly.  As the time approaches for Kyan to enter Kindergarten I have tried to notice them more.  To stop and really appreciate them.  Because as much as life expands with school, so too will it change.  This boy will be molded by his surroundings, just as his brother will have a different experience being home alone with mama.
Here are three moments from one day last month.  A perfect, ordinary day, this summer of 2013.

June Dreams

Even though July is nearing its end I have yet to post about that ever strange and tumultuous month of June.  This year it did not fool me.  I hoped that perhaps it would bring the sun but only a few days shone.  Some so brightly that it was overwhelming.  But not here...

 
Halfway through June I flew many miles with one of my best friends to be in the same room with my ultimate icon Joni Mitchell.  If you are new here, well I've mentioned her before once or twice.

Not only did we listen to her talk for a glorious hour and a half, absorbing all those things that you can only do in person; mannerisms, facial expressions etc. but we also spent an entire 36 hours together without the four boys that we brought into the world.

Talking without interruption, browsing art galleries, tea shops, gift stores and one very lovely fabric store.
So this June brought with it a whirlwind dream for me in the midst of chicken pox, summer camp and jet lag.
Looking back on the month, it was filled to the brim.  Finally seeing the Les Mis stage production, Elliott having his first sleepover at Grandma's, it was busy.
And in moments of stress I go back there, to that small 36 hours away, trying to feel that freedom, trying to remember that feeling of elation in my stomach as Joni walked on stage in her simple and authentic way.
What a memory to have, and I am so grateful to the guy that made it all happen.  Luckily I get to see him everyday and I know that in the future we can share some more big dreams together.

The May Dance

A month of anticipation is May.  Building towards something, bursting forth with newness and light.  Our May was filled with new commitments, new blooms, new ideas, new strength.  I tried to take moments to appreciate the sun and rain.  So often I can be too absorbed by getting things crossed off my list or with the most recent breakdown in communication between a 5 and 2 year old to just exist.

Yoga helps me with this.  And the building of my spiritual practice will help with that as well.  I was lucky to celebrate Beltaine to start off the month and the tradition of those involved and the things we did to mark the day felt good.  A steady, warm place.  A place of connection between souls as the ribbons went around the pole.

There have been notes jotted down, and sketches drawn.  I've found a spring rhythm and yet summer comes knocking soon.  The sensation that fills me most days is one of waiting as a door is slowly swung open to reveal a lush landscape ahead.

I have to navigate the path, stopping often to check the status of myself and my loves.  We walk together though we are different seekers on the journey.  May heralds a time to dance for a while and then reflect.

Goodbye in a Whisper

From baby to little boy.  A milestone happened this month.  3 years after Kyan weaned in May 2010, Elliott is now in the ranks of post-breastfed.  Both times as weaning approached I expected a bigger denouement but reading over my post about Kyan weaning reminds me that these life moments are so rarely big.  There are no fireworks, it just ends.  Elliott protested a bit at bedtime but transitioned amazingly fast.

Our breastfeeding relationship went very smoothly.  He caught on quickly and was very clear about his needs.  I must say the second time around was more fluid and I fought it less ie: less worrying about him never weaning or I guess just less worrying in general.  I knew it would happen in time.

 So rather than get into my personal issues with the process, what it does to me etc, etc, I'm just going to say that 2 years, 2 months, and 3 weeks was the length of this intimate bond with Elliott.  And now our relationship is moving to another place.
 

I was once invited to a "got my breasts back" party held by a triumphant mama who was finished breastfeeding after having two children.  I can't say that I feel like having a party, rather I feel like marking the moment as I have here and looking forward instead.  There is so much on the horizon with the boys, and with how growing up happens in a family.  This stage is over for us.  This bond will only live in Elliott's internal consciousness as a feeling of warmth, security and love.  I am so lucky to have had the time to share this with both boys and now I say goodbye in a whisper and let it all float away on the May wind.

April's Restless Moon

There are many more poetic names for April's moon: Pink moon, Sprouting Grass moon, Egg moon....but at this moment Restless is all I can call it.  After two nights in a row of disturbed sleep, tossing, crying, calling out, strange dreams, I'm a little on the grumpy side.

This month has been great in terms of weather, we've planted some seeds, watched some grow bigger than their little pots, started soccer, singing and swimming.  The boys have taken a cue from the seedlings and are growing and eating like crazy.  The events in Boston, Texas and family emergencies have been overwhelming and emotional.

The fullness of this time of life comes up often.  Full schedules, full heads, the fullness of life being reborn with the spring.  I'm trying to take concrete steps to keep us flowing with this but the month has left both Dave and I and probably the boys too feeling tired and slow to adjust to the longer days of light.

My new artwork schedule has been put in place and is rewarding beyond words.  Having set aside that time to just make art and let out the images or words that build up inside out of my head, along with a weekly yoga practice and time in nature feeds my soul.  I feel like a more whole person; like the pieces of me that have been on the back burner have equal footing.

With this change comes transitions that are contributing to the restlessness though.  Weaning Elliott, I remember it not being easy and overall it is going very well.  But there is a certain cry he'll make at night when he really just wants to nurse but I've already given him his scant allotment of two short sessions and it is just so forlorn.  It makes me so sad.  That cry cuts right to my guts, pulling out guilt and sorrow for the baby stage that is soon to go and will never be seen again by us.  It is really such a personal thing between him and I, a journey begun at his birth, somewhat of an extension of the pregnancy itself in that only the two of us share it.  I can only hope that we are moving at a pace that is sensitive to his development and that once this season of our bond comes to an end it will fade into his unconscious like it did with his brother in such a way that Kyan has no memory of nursing beyond the physical closeness that we shared which he continues to experience through hugs and cuddles.

Change, transitions, new green, sprouts, sunshine, rain, restless birthing spring.