Goodbye in a Whisper

From baby to little boy.  A milestone happened this month.  3 years after Kyan weaned in May 2010, Elliott is now in the ranks of post-breastfed.  Both times as weaning approached I expected a bigger denouement but reading over my post about Kyan weaning reminds me that these life moments are so rarely big.  There are no fireworks, it just ends.  Elliott protested a bit at bedtime but transitioned amazingly fast.

Our breastfeeding relationship went very smoothly.  He caught on quickly and was very clear about his needs.  I must say the second time around was more fluid and I fought it less ie: less worrying about him never weaning or I guess just less worrying in general.  I knew it would happen in time.

 So rather than get into my personal issues with the process, what it does to me etc, etc, I'm just going to say that 2 years, 2 months, and 3 weeks was the length of this intimate bond with Elliott.  And now our relationship is moving to another place.
 

I was once invited to a "got my breasts back" party held by a triumphant mama who was finished breastfeeding after having two children.  I can't say that I feel like having a party, rather I feel like marking the moment as I have here and looking forward instead.  There is so much on the horizon with the boys, and with how growing up happens in a family.  This stage is over for us.  This bond will only live in Elliott's internal consciousness as a feeling of warmth, security and love.  I am so lucky to have had the time to share this with both boys and now I say goodbye in a whisper and let it all float away on the May wind.

April's Restless Moon

There are many more poetic names for April's moon: Pink moon, Sprouting Grass moon, Egg moon....but at this moment Restless is all I can call it.  After two nights in a row of disturbed sleep, tossing, crying, calling out, strange dreams, I'm a little on the grumpy side.

This month has been great in terms of weather, we've planted some seeds, watched some grow bigger than their little pots, started soccer, singing and swimming.  The boys have taken a cue from the seedlings and are growing and eating like crazy.  The events in Boston, Texas and family emergencies have been overwhelming and emotional.

The fullness of this time of life comes up often.  Full schedules, full heads, the fullness of life being reborn with the spring.  I'm trying to take concrete steps to keep us flowing with this but the month has left both Dave and I and probably the boys too feeling tired and slow to adjust to the longer days of light.

My new artwork schedule has been put in place and is rewarding beyond words.  Having set aside that time to just make art and let out the images or words that build up inside out of my head, along with a weekly yoga practice and time in nature feeds my soul.  I feel like a more whole person; like the pieces of me that have been on the back burner have equal footing.

With this change comes transitions that are contributing to the restlessness though.  Weaning Elliott, I remember it not being easy and overall it is going very well.  But there is a certain cry he'll make at night when he really just wants to nurse but I've already given him his scant allotment of two short sessions and it is just so forlorn.  It makes me so sad.  That cry cuts right to my guts, pulling out guilt and sorrow for the baby stage that is soon to go and will never be seen again by us.  It is really such a personal thing between him and I, a journey begun at his birth, somewhat of an extension of the pregnancy itself in that only the two of us share it.  I can only hope that we are moving at a pace that is sensitive to his development and that once this season of our bond comes to an end it will fade into his unconscious like it did with his brother in such a way that Kyan has no memory of nursing beyond the physical closeness that we shared which he continues to experience through hugs and cuddles.

Change, transitions, new green, sprouts, sunshine, rain, restless birthing spring.

The Second Time Around

One aspect of having a second child that no one mentioned to me was how you can be thrown off by your experience with the first.  Especially when you have two kids of the same sex.  In my case boy 1 is more of a look before he leaps guy.  He can be silly and hyper too, but can be slow to warm up to strangers and thinks about things.  Kyan and I have navigated lots of baby, toddler and pre-schooler milestones.  Teething, potty training, nursing and weaning, learning to sleep on his own (still a work in progress that one,) overcoming fears, illness and emotional outbursts.  He gets to do things first, so I thought Elliott would benefit from his path making in the bush of parenting.  In some ways he does but in many ways we are cutting out a whole new path.

I marvel pretty much daily at how opposite our two boys are.  I didn't expect them to be the same but for several of the big things,  like the ones I mentioned above, I thought I had at least an idea of how to do them. But as Elliott is hitting the time periods when these things are to begin I'm realizing that this is a whole new ball game.  My boy who would sit on the potty patiently reading books until a desired outcome was reached is not shadowed by my boy who sits for maximum 30 seconds before leaping to his next location.  Hun.
One little boy loved cow's milk and would take a cup full as a substitute for mama's milk when weaning began, our other little boy is not so interested in cow's milk but for the last week or so will take a cracker instead of having a meltdown when he can't nurse on demand (only took me a day or two to figure that one out).

So as we navigate through these waters I try to keep my assumptions in the background and take cues from Elliott.  Everything is different and while Elliott copies Kyan frequently throughout the day; trying to do all the things his big brother does, our journey through the months of potty training and weaning are going to have their own process of trial and error to find what works for him.  He is quick and super smiley these days.  Words are beginning for him and have taken a bit longer to emerge than with Kyan.  The parenting Elliott journey is opening up a bit, moving away from baby world to the toddler with the burgeoning personality one.  Parenting two is a dance that will take several years to become routine.  But there have been some little glimpses of newness these last two weeks; playing together, playing side by side (without conflict) and the proud big brother introducing his younger brother with a protective hand on his shoulder.  Makes a mama's heart melt for just a second or two.  Sweet boys I have, lucky me.

A Milestone Week

 photo taken in April 2009

This week seemed to pass me by in a whisper of sorts even though something big happened: Kyan is now weaned.  Our journey to this moment was filled with joys and tears, and the slow and steady pace that I am sure is how he will approach many future milestones in his life.  This pace was not mine, it was his.  There were moments of sleep-deprived delirium for me where his need for me and nursing made me feel like I may loose my mind, and then things would change slightly and we'd be okay again.  Before he was born 2 years seemed like the ideal amount of breastfeeding time to me but as his second birthday approached I saw that I needed to make some little pushes towards weaning and take it one day at a time.
I had heard stories from both sides, of children who had weaned themselves and others who had needed some encouragement.  I desperately wanted him to loose interest but he didn't.  Our nursing relationship started off with the typical sore nipples and botched latches but after a few weeks we were a good team and he never looked back.  This boy likes his "malk."    In my ideal world he would have decided he was done and just lost interest but for whatever reasons that didn't occur and so I began to slowly work with Ky to help him let go of nursing one feeding at a time.  Luckily he is very perceptive and good at verbalizing his feelings so we have talked through this process the whole way.  
The process involved extra mama time, extra hugs, and repetition.  Fevers and teething didn't help and were exceptions to any steps forward but such is life with a toddler.  Last month as I sensed a slight disinterest from him at bedtime I came to see that nap time nursing would be the last to go.  Emotions rose inside me as well because I realized that he would not remember this time.  The residual effects will remain in our bond and hopefully give him a good sense of self in his life but the small moments, the cozy parts, the giggles and comfort, not to mention the nourishment are no more.  As the time approached to give up the last nursing I felt sad and wished that somehow he would remember but nature creates these processes to get humans where they need to go.  There is not much room for sentimentality in this journey.  Life moves, breathes and grows and so I will carry this time with me forever as a glorious, often challenging and special memory.  It was a gift to share myself with him for this long but now our journey continues in a different way.  And my "little boy" as he likes to call himself, moves closer to being a "big boy" someday.

Amy at Progressive Pioneer is sharing birth stories once a week until the birth of her second child.  Today she posted another version of Kyan's birth story from the one that I posted here on his first birthday.  Head on over and have a read if you are interested. 

In the Home stretch...

Wow, there is lots of goodness going on in the blogisphere right now. I feel a bit behind in terms of getting the holiday cheer feeling emanating from here but I'll get it happening very soon. We are having a respite from the typical rain in this rain forest of ours and so I've been out and about and getting some much needed cleaning done around here before we leave.

While visions of sugarplums are dancing in my head I am also very aware that Kyan is almost two and that my breasts are feeling the burn. Yes everyone, this post is going to be about breastfeeding a toddler, a teething toddler, a toddler who really likes to nurse and is showing little sign of weaning anytime soon. At this point if I'm honestly counting he nurses about 6 or 7 times in a 24 hour period. My feelings about breastfeeding are jumbled. I love it, I resent it, I'm so happy that I've done it for almost two years, I love that it is a special bond that I have with Ky, but man my nipples are overworked and underpaid.


I had always had plenty of milk until this summer. My body has decided before Kyan has that it is done. It wants to stop but Ky is having none of it. It makes me sad when he cries for milk and I know there isn't any. I try to explain it to him and he is starting to understand that he is reaching "big boy" territory in which Mama no longer provides the milk. I have never read or heard much about other women going through this. As far as I know most Moms have weaned their children because they were done, or the child decides they are done. But not having the milk for the appetite? I'm sure someone out there has dealt with this but I feel a bit alone on this road at present.
Ky breastfeeds more when he is teething and his second year molars are in on the bottom and the top ones must not be close behind from his behaviour today. My goal before he was born was to be close to finished nursing by 2 years old. We are close....but at this point the pace is a bit much. After this nursing process began I began to see the benefit of letting a child decide when he or she is ready to stop. That being said I'm not going to nurse until he's four, or nurse through a second pregnancy whenever that may be. I need a break. Seriously. As rewarding as this is, as important for his health as it has been, the factory needs shutting down.
And then....I look down at him and it makes me sad. The emotional component of weaning is much more powerful than the rational side for me. All he has known for 2 years is that having milk from Mama is comfort, food, love, warmth, sleep........the list is infinite. The transition away from this is harder than I could have expected. He has never taken a bottle so I hesitate to try and introduce it as a go between. Perhaps I am making it into a bigger deal than he will. Perhaps after we return from our holidays and I begin the complete night-nursing weaning it will be way easier than I thought and he will be ready to let it go. After nighttime feeding is over he'll slowly loose interest more and more until he goes a whole day without mentioning it.
Part of me longs for that day, part of me is sad about it, and part of me is bewildered. Our Mama-son bond will change after that day. I am excited to see how that change will manifest but also sad that I will have proof that the baby time is over for him, never to return.

Breastfeeding...offensive???

How does one equate a baby getting nourishment from a breast with obscenity? In the last week there has been two "Nurse-In" protests in two stores spurred by mothers being asked to leave the stores due to breastfeeding their babies. I did not participate in these protests, one because I did not hear about it until it was done and the other because it was in another province. This blog is my form of solidarity and protest. Having just watched the movie "This Film Is Not Yet Rated" directed by Kirby Dick I think there is a huge problem with the way women's bodies are viewed in North America. What the film uncovered is that sexual content in films where a woman is showing pleasure is most often considered X(now labeled NC-17) rated. Decapitation, blood and guts can be rated R but a women enjoying an orgasm is rated NC-17. This problem is not new to me, I have witnessed it time and time again on many levels. Women are objectified but kept contained. We can be sexual objects but not display pleasure, we can be self-sacrificing mothers but are asked to isolate ourselves while feeding our hungry babies in shopping mall restrooms. The double standard that is placed on us is unacceptable. There is an earthy aura about a breastfeeding woman. She is grounded. From her body she has birthed this baby and from her breasts comes the nourishment that all mammals give to their young. Milk. Evolution developed breasts for the suckling baby. Some women derive pleasure sexually from their breasts as well. Most women have long and sordid histories with their breasts. They love them, hate them, wish they were bigger, smaller, rounder or more perky. But the sexual part of breasts is a by-product. They were made for feeding. Some women by choice or circumstance never use them for this, regardless that is their primary function. There is nothing offensive about that. I remember when my colostrum started to come in before my son was born, I was so excited that my breasts were finally functioning as nature made them to. I was somewhat in awe of them. I could feed another being from my body. I wish with all my heart that if someone takes offense to a woman breastfeeding in public they would take a minute to reflect on where that feeling is coming from. Perhaps they are uncomfortable with their own body image, or maybe they were raised with the idea of the naked body being shameful or wrong. In their heart of hearts if they would move beyond that feeling for a moment and think with their primal brain I'm sure they could see the true nature of the issue. A baby on a breast is as natural as a forest, a river or a field of grain. Do not ask women to lock ourselves away from society to feed our children. We deserve to be out in the open where everyone can see. We deserve to be proud of ourselves for the work we do......raising the next generation and giving them the best start we can. I have never had a more positive relationship to my breasts than I do now. Breastfeeding is not easy, it was painful at first and my son and I had to learn how to nurse together. But we prevailed and after 8 months I am proud of the work my body does to feed my son. I grew him, birthed him, and now I nourish him. I nurse him when he needs milk, whether that is in our home, in the park or in the mall. I support all mothers who choose to breastfeed, and I choose not to condemn those who do not. Mothers need support in all their forms and choices not judgment. I thank the countless men and women who support breastfeeding mothers. North America needs a revolution............... Let us remember that we are mammals, and our young need our milk. Women's bodies are not objects they are the vessels through which humanity is born. We will not be meek and we will not hide away, for we nourish the future with our strong and amazing bodies.