My Journey to Paganism Part I

University Jen

I was pretty happy to have that degree

The road to one's true spiritual path is sometimes long. I thought I should record it for posterity. A girl I was close friends with in elementary school wrote to me a few years ago. She expressed her new found Christianity and I decided to explain to her my discovery of Paganism. In her next letter I knew we had a problem when she said: "so you turned your back on God..." There are some people who are not capable of seeing their religion objectively, I try hard to not be such a person.

I was raised a United Church Protestant in rural Quebec. The church we attended was at the end of the lovely dirt road we lived on. It was/is (its still there) one of those simple, white with green trim buildings. Two isles leading to the pulpit, a small choir area and a typical side lit portrait of Jesus that hung on the wall behind the ministers head. I went to Sunday school and really liked hearing bible stories, singing hymns and just being dressed up and with people for a few hours. I participated in the church and talked to God often. When others prayed in church and would bow their heads I felt that was wrong. I wanted to look at the portrait of Jesus. I didn't feel like God wanted me to be meek or fearful. There were many things about Christianity that did not fit for me, even at a young age but I ignored them and took only what I liked about the religion. This method worked for me until I entered University.
In my second year of University I took a Woman Studies class. I had always been one of those women who said: "I'm not a feminist, but..." I had conformed to the view of feminists that is stereotypical in North America; man hating, angry women. Taking that first Women Studies class changed who I believed myself to be. So much rang true and spoke to the deepest part of my self. And the phrase "The personal is political" made sense to me. The interconnection between all parts of self and how the outside world related back through that. I worked a Women Studies class into each following semester. And the more I read feminist theory the closer I came to the Goddess Spirituality Movement through images of Goddess art. I was pursuing a degree in Fine Art. My art began to reflect my journey. I was re-inventing myself. Stripping away years of society's conditioning to find who I really was. This period was during my early twenties. I think your early twenties are when you have the chance to find out who you want to be. I had several good friends who were also in this place of self discovery. There were many shared books, and discussions over tea.
I read Judy Chicago's autobiography called:Through the Flower: My Struggle as a Woman Artist (1975) which was really important to me. I remember feeling so inspired by her and her work. I read, wrote essays, took seminar classes and deconstructed the layers of "Disneyfied" helpless woman waiting for her Prince that had chained me to a specific view of the world. As this chain was breaking so was my ability to call myself a Christian.
The history of the religion, the values it upheld within other denominations, the hypocrisy and the shear lack of probability. I pulled on thread after thread of issues that did not resonate with who I wanted to be, and in the end Christianity and I had lost our friendship. The figure of God, the idea of God as an outside all controlling force was gone. The universal feeling of something magical that sparked life and existed after death remained. What I needed for myself was a language to use about my spirituality that made sense to my soul. So as any student of life would do when in search of answers I headed to my local book store.

A Squirrel and Stephen Harper

I currently have two pet peeves in my life, the squirrel that keeps stealing plants from my garden and Stephen Harper's "Use it or Lose it" philosophy. I can't be too upset with the squirrel because it is just following its primitive urge to store food for the winter, Stephen Harper has no excuse. The Conservative government announced today that they are going to "geo-map" Arctic resources. There is gold, gas, oil and diamonds just waiting to bring Canadians bounty or as Harper says: "Canada's share of this incredible endowment will fuel the prosperity of our country for generations". I wonder if Mr. Harper has his head under some big rock somewhere. Generations? Why not spend 100 million dollars on something that will really last generations...sustainable energy, technologies for the future, or cutting green house emissions? While local government officials in the Arctic welcome the idea of development I am very skeptical that these resources can be removed in a sensitive environmental manner. Eco-systems are so fragile. Do we really need more diamonds to add to the stockpile that already exists? Diamonds are not even rare they are horded to make their value stay high. The only reason that we are rushing to do this is to quell the political debate over ownership of the north. Or as our government so lovingly refers to it "sovereignty". Here is the full article I read on this announcement. Hearing about this today really set me onto a negative path. The current government really has no mandate that I can relate to. It really makes you want to yell at the t.v or computer screen...(which I did and my son gave me a funny look and he's only 8 months old).

My other issue is one that I'm trying to evolve my thinking with. I love my little garden. It has been my spring/summer project this year. I will post a more detailed write-up about it in the future. I have tried really hard to make it interesting and fun. I planted it with the intent of making a Fairy Garden, which I did do to some extent, but I planted other plants that don't specifically appeal to the fey. One of the none specific plants is a very hardy and plentiful Hen & Chicks succulent. I've had the Hen for years now, and this plant has grown from one small pot to two and I bordered my garden with them this year. For some reason a black squirrel living here loves to pull the chicks out of my garden and take them to his home. As a pagan I am trying to go with nature on this one. The squirrel is only fulfilling his primitive urge to store food. Who am I to deny his survival this winter? But my pride says: hey squirrel those are mine! I planted them with love and have watered them in dry weather, I've moved three times carrying them with me. Leave them alone. I have thought of only one solution to this problem, leave something for the squirrel that is more appealing than my chicks...chestnuts? breadcrumbs? apples? I have no idea what he'd like more. And to be honest leaving anything else might attract more attention so I have to resign myself to sacrifice my chicks. Farewell.

Our Secret Place

Ok...well maybe not so secret. Today I had an urge to talk a walk with Ky. I wistfully wished that there was a trail through some trees and a bench to sit on near by. My neighborhood walks had uncovered no such perfect place as of yet. So we set off and walked down the street further than we ever had. We passed many houses, empty lots being developed and big machinery working loudly... and then we found our place. A lovely vine covered entrance, a path winding along a stream. Birds singing, trees towering over us. It felt like a gift, it was a gift. Ky was drowsy and I was entranced. We saw no one else on the path and stopped when we reached a grassy footpath that was not stroller friendly. On the way back we listened to the water on the rocks and then stopped to sit on the one bench. The universe/Goddess really can be that giving...ask and you shall receive. I almost turned around when a huge dump truck was obstructing the sidewalk, but I did not and I'm really glad that I just kept going. I look at events like this a life lesson. Don't stop when something gets in your way. Your goal might be on the other side waiting for you to persevere.

Breastfeeding...offensive???

How does one equate a baby getting nourishment from a breast with obscenity? In the last week there has been two "Nurse-In" protests in two stores spurred by mothers being asked to leave the stores due to breastfeeding their babies. I did not participate in these protests, one because I did not hear about it until it was done and the other because it was in another province. This blog is my form of solidarity and protest. Having just watched the movie "This Film Is Not Yet Rated" directed by Kirby Dick I think there is a huge problem with the way women's bodies are viewed in North America. What the film uncovered is that sexual content in films where a woman is showing pleasure is most often considered X(now labeled NC-17) rated. Decapitation, blood and guts can be rated R but a women enjoying an orgasm is rated NC-17. This problem is not new to me, I have witnessed it time and time again on many levels. Women are objectified but kept contained. We can be sexual objects but not display pleasure, we can be self-sacrificing mothers but are asked to isolate ourselves while feeding our hungry babies in shopping mall restrooms. The double standard that is placed on us is unacceptable. There is an earthy aura about a breastfeeding woman. She is grounded. From her body she has birthed this baby and from her breasts comes the nourishment that all mammals give to their young. Milk. Evolution developed breasts for the suckling baby. Some women derive pleasure sexually from their breasts as well. Most women have long and sordid histories with their breasts. They love them, hate them, wish they were bigger, smaller, rounder or more perky. But the sexual part of breasts is a by-product. They were made for feeding. Some women by choice or circumstance never use them for this, regardless that is their primary function. There is nothing offensive about that. I remember when my colostrum started to come in before my son was born, I was so excited that my breasts were finally functioning as nature made them to. I was somewhat in awe of them. I could feed another being from my body. I wish with all my heart that if someone takes offense to a woman breastfeeding in public they would take a minute to reflect on where that feeling is coming from. Perhaps they are uncomfortable with their own body image, or maybe they were raised with the idea of the naked body being shameful or wrong. In their heart of hearts if they would move beyond that feeling for a moment and think with their primal brain I'm sure they could see the true nature of the issue. A baby on a breast is as natural as a forest, a river or a field of grain. Do not ask women to lock ourselves away from society to feed our children. We deserve to be out in the open where everyone can see. We deserve to be proud of ourselves for the work we do......raising the next generation and giving them the best start we can. I have never had a more positive relationship to my breasts than I do now. Breastfeeding is not easy, it was painful at first and my son and I had to learn how to nurse together. But we prevailed and after 8 months I am proud of the work my body does to feed my son. I grew him, birthed him, and now I nourish him. I nurse him when he needs milk, whether that is in our home, in the park or in the mall. I support all mothers who choose to breastfeed, and I choose not to condemn those who do not. Mothers need support in all their forms and choices not judgment. I thank the countless men and women who support breastfeeding mothers. North America needs a revolution............... Let us remember that we are mammals, and our young need our milk. Women's bodies are not objects they are the vessels through which humanity is born. We will not be meek and we will not hide away, for we nourish the future with our strong and amazing bodies.

Calming Stone

As a young girl I liked stones. I was the child that brought them home from a walk...and since we lived on a dirt road there were tons every where. I was not very familiar with semi-precious stones until I was much older. I have learned and continue to learn about them in the same way that I do plants, I am drawn to one through instinct and then I do some research. Usually the reason I have been drawn to it becomes apparent through the research. Last week I was called to the wooden box where I keep my stones. I took out my piece of Lepidolite. It is triangular, about 2 inches long, a lovely lavender colour with white and iridescent parts. The lavender colour is from the lithium component of the stone.
I bought this stone 2 years ago. I can not remember why I thought I needed it then, but reading its description I know that I need it now. It is known to be extremely calming. It soothes anger, and any other negative emotion. It is also known as the Dream Stone: Helping the user to not have nightmares relating to stress or upsets in personal relationships. It aids the muscles to relax and strengthens the heart. Mostly it enhances the expression of one's inner light and joy.
Before I sleep I hold it in my hand for a while and breathe deeply. I find it helps me to focus on letting go before sleeping, which has always been a challenge for me.
In many of the trances and mediations I have done stones have been my "gift". I have found this is a wonderful way to learn about stones...often I have known only the colour and have had to figure out what kind it was later on. Several times it has been near my birthday which is a few weeks after Samhain so I will get the stone for myself as my birthday gift to me. Last year I did not receive a stone as a gift in my Samhain trance, but one of my best friends gave me one as a birthday gift. Funny how things work out sometimes.
I am often drawn to stone jewelry as well. Asking my then boyfriend for a red stone ring one year and pink the next. I don't think I could ever have too much jewelry but luckily they cost way less then diamonds etc. And funnily enough I don't really like diamonds, they are too fancy for me. My grandmother gave me a pair of malachite earrings one year and I wore them so much that the stone separated from the shaft. When I'm a crone I'd like to have beautiful big pieces of stone jewelry, which I suppose can be quite expensive in larger sizes. I loved Angelica Houston's character in "The Life Aquatic" she wore stunning pieces of jewelry. I don't have the style or enough life in my face to wear them yet. All in due time.

Buy Local, the blessed days of Summer

One of the best parts of Summer for me is the local produce. Here in Burnaby we have a Farmer's Market every Saturday from May through September. Burnaby was one of the last cities in the Lower Mainland to get their own market but this year they made it work. It is our luck that we just moved here this year. The first weekend seemed a bit sparse, but last week I returned and I'm really glad I did. The produce there was local and beautiful. While only some was Certified Organic (we eat as much organic as possible) most was pesticide free and way nicer than anything trucked in from somewhere else. Raspberries are in season right now. My favorite berry by far. This week I also picked up a few cherries. The other wonderful part of buying local is you are reaching the farmers directly. There is a connection there, I feel that growing up on a farm gave me a connection to my food that many city people do not have. I think of where things have come from when I buy them in a store. Sadly many people who have never seen a cow in person, can't really connect to where this milk in the carton is from. So when you ask: "Where does milk come from?" They say: "The store!" Not quite. So despite the fact that I live in the city and I'm raising a family here, I want my kids to feel the "roots" of their food. My son will benefit from visiting his Grandparents on the farm, but he will also frequent the Farmer's Market with me, visit Pick your Own farms, and really understand that when he buys it, or puts it in his mouth, someone grew this food from our sacred earth.

Mommy Weekend...?

After 6 months of mommyhood I began to notice the trends that I had never seen clearly before. Moms never have a day off. At my "real" job of pre-parenthood I worked five days and then had two days to rest. Moms don't get days to rest...
I remember my Mom working a full week outside the home and then on Saturday mornings cleaning our house, she would rush to get it done as quickly as she could and then move on to more relaxing or fun things. I used to think to myself: why doesn't she just relax? Why bother to get it done so quickly? Its not such a big deal having a clean house, etc. I'm sure many of us can remember thinking our parents should relax and not stress out so much.
Well the clouds of childhood and the teenage years have cleared. And I must admit I still had those clouds well into my early twenties, by my late twenties they had slightly faded leaving me a small inkling of what the future held. I remember thinking to myself: if I can't manage the mess two people make how on earth will I manage with a family? Manage is a key word here, and staying sane is another. I am compulsive when it comes to how cleaning is done but I let go of control so that my husband could pitch in. And he did/does. But I always have a list in my head of what needs to be done. There is also one in my day planner that I take great pleasure in crossing off when it is accomplished.

The answers to the naive questions that I asked of my Mother so long ago are very simple.
If I don't do it no one will...
and If I don't do it quickly now I will never have time to do the really fun things I want to do.

So I have taken stock of the fact that parenting is a full time job...not in the 40hrs+ a week sense but in the 24hrs a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year sense. When I began to notice that all the days of the week blended and whether my husband was home or not my job just felt the same, I decided to take action. While I am working full time in the home I work five days a week at cleaning etc. and on the weekends I do the minimum. That is take care of Kyan and make meals, usually that means a load of laundry or two, but no other "work" like tasks.

So while this is not a "weekend" of rest like I previously had, I feel like the days are different and I can enjoy myself more and not worry about house work or getting tons done. This has been challenging because I have to stop myself sometimes and say "no". Just because your son and husband are enjoying play time together you should not take this chance to wash the kitchen sink. Just sit and relax or read or sew. I highly recommend Mommy Weekend!